#my grandma gave my brother shit when like. idk. my dad did not want us going

[npdlangley]

why didn't my dad let me go too i don't understand

[aksannyi]

tw: death of a family member

ok so my mom texted me today, i'm in my 7th period block, students are working, i check my phone and the message is basically that my grandfather is dying. (my last living grandparent, not that it's super relevant but maybe it is? idk?) he's going into hospice, they're gonna make him comfortable. no idea how long.

my immediate thought is, shit, i gotta fly up there, can i afford it, etc. these are the thoughts i had at 1pm when my students were all doing their thing, i was also trying to keep them working and not show them anything was amiss bc it isn't their business unless i share it and also if any one of them gave me even a shred of sympathy i would have lost it and i don't want to do that, i will cry on my own tyvm lol

anyway. i look at flights, reasonable for flight + car. reasonable-ish. and i texted the ...w/e the hell he is bc someone would have to stay with the dog since he works 24h shifts

had an appointment today, did some errands. whatever. then i'm sitting here at home, listening to some music, just sitting there and thinking and thinking and thinking:

i don't want to go.

and it sounds selfish, and it feels selfish, and it feels shitty.

and anyway there's history here. so my first grandparent to go was my mom's mom in 1993. shittiest saturday morning ever. my 2nd grandmother died in 2017, right after hurricane irma, and my dad flew me up to say goodbye. i was at her deathbed with family members, it was hard, also my family was being racist (which is totally irrelevant but it still pisses me off how they got mad at me cussing but it's cool for them to just fucking say the n-word) (assholes)

then last summer, 2022, my dad texted me that my grandfather (his dad, obvs) was dying and he had like 24hrs. not enough time for me to have gotten up there to see him, so dad told me to call and then put me on speaker phone and i said my goodbyes to him that way. i'm crying thinking of it now, hardest fucking phone call i ever made.

and then i got fucking covid so i couldn't even go to the funeral, and my mom. this person. she makes a guilt-trip post on fb because both of my brothers could make it and i couldn't, and she's convinced she will never see all 3 of us together again (and she never ever lets us forget it) because two of us live at literal opposite ends of the country - PNW and florida, and the one who lives up there is in the northeastern part of the country so it's like almost as far away as you can possibly triangulate 3 people in the continental US. and it was like wow mom fuck you, like i wouldn't have come up if i didn't have LITERAL FUCKING COVID, no i was not going to drive 1200 miles or infect an entire fucking airport, i'm not an asshole. and also i just felt like pure crap, tbh. like physically.

anyway.

i'm struggling. i know that he wants to see me. he called me, when i sent the blanket (which some of you might remember, (this post: https://www.tumblr.com/aksannyi/722322909005299712/aksannyi-my-grandma-passed-in-1993-october-to?source=share) and he said how much he misses me and wants to see me because he knew then that his time was running short. it's very hard for me to get up there, and i generally just don't like it up there due to a number of factors (completely unrelated to him, but definitely related to other family members, like my mom and a psychotic aunt and several shitty uncles) and just the damn drama of everything that goes on up there that i moved away from for a damn reason.

and i'm like. i should go. i know objectively i should go. i should go because it's the least i could do for him, the one thing i can actually do that would make him happy. like fuck my mom, fuck my brothers, fuck my aunts/uncles and the entire goddamn stupid small town i'm from, just to see him. but the problem is that i wouldn't just be seeing him, and i don't want to Deal With Them. all of them. collectively.

(and also i don't wanna see him like that... when i went to see grandma, she had been on the decline for years. she wasn't fully coherent, didn't always recognize me. every time i went up there while she was still alive i assumed it'd be the last time i'd see her)

(my dad's dad, on the other hand, knew me right up to the end. he'd be absolutely thrilled to see me. every time. but he was also in his upper 90s and so i also had made peace with the fact that he wasn't gonna be around that much longer)

and like it isn't like i didn't know this was coming, like i'm not stupid, obviously. he's had a lot of health issues, mom would text us about his doctors diagnoses and shit so we knew it was coming. he's 86 now. it was inevitable. and that's like. ok. i have made peace with that. but i'm struggling now with this incredible guilt because i don't want to go.

i can afford it. it'll be tight but i can manage it. i can do a whirlwind weekend trip. i'll be tired as shit for work next week but whatever, wouldn't be the first time. but i just. i don't want to. and that's what's fucking me up, it's that i don't want to and i feel like shit about it. because i know i should. and do i suck all that shit up and just Deal With It dot com...??? i do, don't i. i need to. fuck me, this sucks ass.

well if you read all of this and you have any advice or anything i guess feel free, i just needed to kinda get this out and deal with it. i know either way i'll be fine, but like do i really wanna deal with my mother fucking guilt tripping me for the rest of her life (and probably mine bc she'll fucking haunt me when she goes istg) ugh. ugh ugh ugh ugh uGH. ugh.

ok fine whatever time to look at flights (it is too far to drive unless i take time off work and ngl i will need my sick days, for like actual sick days.)

[lookismaddict]

Lookism Chapter 433 Memes/Thoughts I Have:

(SPOILERS !!! I don’t own any of the Lookism panels and the translations. Only the memes that I made.)

I’m sorry for posting this SUPER LATE!! With school and all of that now occupying my schedule, these might be uploaded every week around this time. 😓 I apologize in advance. 🙏🏽 BUT AYO. LETS GET IT, LETS GET IT, LETS GET ITTTTT!!! So last chapter, when Daniel’s mom heard that Daniel was looking for Jinyeong Park, she reacted like this:

And everybody was like, “Whaaaaaaat? Why she do dat?” 🤔 Well, everybody grab your popcorn because we gon LEARN TODAY-

WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!!! BARK, BARK, BARK!!! AWWWOOOOOOOOGAH!!!!!! *ahem* Sorry everybody, just lost control for a second there. Brain malfunctioning, and whatnot. I guess PTJ wanted to add James Lee into the Bathrobe Club or something.

AWWOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Got me howling and shit. 🗣🗣🗣

Pleeeeease tell us Mama Park. WE NEED TO KNOW!!! 😩👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Awww this broke my heart. 💔 Whatever happened with Jinyeong must’ve been painful for her to bear the past like that.

Oh wow. So now we get a dad reveal of Daniel's father? Nah, sorry. They don't look related to me. There also could have been some sort of issue here. Like, Jinyeong used to be Daniel's dad's best friend. And Daniel's dad might have had some sort of issue with fertility or something, so he decided to ask Jinyeong to donate sperm because he sees him as his brother...? Idk man. That's just my theory...

Ah, so THAT'S what happened to Daniel's dad. Ok, ok, that makes sense that his mom would raise him on his own all this time. But, I really want to know how his mom got to such a state that she has to collect cardboard boxes just to provide for her son...

IDK DANIEL, THERE COULD BE A POSSIBILITY THAT JINYEONG COULD BE YOUR BIOLOGICAL DA- ... My theory is so far-fetched. 💀💀💀💀 THIS AIN'T IT.

AYOOOOOOO. CALLED IT. (not the sperm donor part) BUT THEY MUST'VE BEEN BESTIES!!! 😳

AHHHHHHHHH JAKE IS BACK!!!! But ik he isn't ok emotionally. This guy going through a lot. 😔

NOOOOOOOO. BABY BOY, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT. IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT!!! It was unfortunate that they got caught, but you really didn't intentionally lead them to that situation. It just so happens that they got captured. 😭

YESSSSS GO SAVE THEM JAKE!!!! GOOOOOOO!!!

YES YOU CAN!!!! JAKE, I BELIEVE IN YOU. 😤👍🏽

Oooooo who will it be? 👀

Ohhhh dang. It's another person from the 0 Gen. 😳 I wonder what his role was in Gapryong's Dragon Fist gang. But I stg. If this man backstabs Jake after telling him that he's indebted to his dad...

*WARNING: O F F E N S I V E M E M E*

Sorry, but this is what I imagined in my head. 😬

Athlete's Foot is back. 😭 Also, I can't wait to see his family's reaction to his new self. 😎

HE'S SO CUTE HERE!!! AHHHHHHHHH DANNY BOY SUPREMACY!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Ohhhh boy, and they're back at it again... 💀💀💀

OMGGGGGGG HERE IT IS!!!! (forget all of them snickering about Daniel, I just wanna see their reactions 😈)

HAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSS. BOW DOWN, AND BEHOLD, PEASANTS!!! 😤😤😤 /j

It really do be like that.

I love how proud Mama Park is of Daniel because he has matured so much. Just like I mentioned in the previous chapter, his character growth really is something else. So proud of him! 💖

Whew, it's Grandma's turn...

I'm sorry guys, I had to squeeze all of these panels all in somehow. 😅 But DAMN. HOW DID THIS TURN FROM 0 TO 100 REAL QUICK??? It went from happy family bonding to THE CONJURING AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WTHHHH. 💀💀💀💀💀💀 (Tbh this gave me flashbacks to the Cult Arc ngl)

And Grandma got some beef with Jinyeong Park. SHE SAID, "CATCH MY HANDS, YOU BASTARD!!!" BUT HEY, SHE MAY BE OLD BUT SHE CAN STILL THROW 'EM. 😤👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽 TBH I FOUND THIS SCENE HILARIOUS FOR SOME REASON BECAUSE OF HOW UNEXPECTED SHE REACTED ALL OF A SUDDEN. She always seemed like the calmest old lady ever, but I guess this scene switched it up a bit. A COMPLETE 180° LMAO. EXCITED FOR GRANDMA PARK TO TUSSLE AHAHAHAHAHA (That was a joke. 💀 If she does end up doing it, then I'm afraid that she might hurt her back.) But I hope they DO explain what Jinyeong's deal is.

Overall, I'm VERY sorry that this is really late, and for the lack of memes again. 😭😭😭 I hope y'all will still look forward to these, and I'll try to upload the next review for the upcoming chapter sooner. ❤️

[leia-imogen]

aaron & the family he's found all by himself; vol. 2 // vol. 1

( ft. short jokes, a belated birthday shopping trip, & an ultra-chaotic winter break )

( for @criswisstuff & anyone who enjoyed the first one <3 )

savannah, who is 5'9, is constantly teasing aaron and cleo for being short. katelyn's good at 5'6, and also a bit impossible to tease bcs she's the actual best, so she gets to escape this

cleo ( 5'2 ) is perfectly delighted to have someone shorter than her for once in her life, even by only 2 inches

aaron: guys, just try and see this from my point of view

sav: [ collapses ]

katelyn: [ crouches down ]

cleo: [ sits cross-legged on floor ]

aaron: dude you're literally 2 inches taller than me

cleo: 2 and a quarter

sav is so smug about this but in a good-natured way, in that she and cleo call aaron "kid" or "kiddo" or "pipsqueak" and he doesn't mind bcs they always say it w such a huge smile and he likes to respond to sav with "how's the weather up there, tall-ass?"

and katelyn thinks it's ridiculously adorable how tiny aaron is and obviously she uses him as an armrest all the time

katelyn, petting aaron's hair: guys guys omg he's like an angsty mini blond kitten and i would kill for him <3

sav, popping up between them: mini-yard :))

before i get super distracted, i just wanna mention that aaron met sav and cleo towards the end of november, so they missed the twin's birthday

but sav still insists that she must take him shopping bcs sure his fashion sense is fine but there's always room for improvement, isn't there, aaron??

he relents, so long as she and cleo and katelyn ( who already gave him a birthday present?? why's she doing this??? ) don't spend too much money

sav drags him all around south carolina to the best thrift stores she can find and cleo and katelyn are amazed that she can get such fantastic deals on the supermodel clothes she wears

fr she's literally a fashion design major ( + minoring in business management ) and she shows up to class in skilfully done drugstore makeup and an absolutely killer outfit for like 15 bucks

she grew up poor, and she's still poor now, even if she ( thankfully ) managed to scrape a cheerleading scholarship

sav, flicking through a rack of dresses labelled $4 apiece: RIP to little miss rich bitch reynolds but i'm different ;)

no hate to allison she's awesome but she grew up in the lap of luxury surrounded by designer brands so she knows NOTHING about thrifting and rationing money in general

oh and sav and allison have kind of a frenemies thing going on bcs they're both fighting for the top spot of their fashion design course

they spend the whole day shopping and aaron ends up with a highly upgraded wardrobe that contains a lot of cute pastel stuff and sav's promise to do his makeup

aaron insists on paying for dinner at the really nice pizza place a short drive from campus even tho they all protest

and andrew knows he's found new friends, but has no idea that it's the vixens and he's dating one of them. nicky does tho, but he's sworn to secrecy

nicky thinks his new clothes are adorable and is stunned when aaron tells him the total cost

"oh my GOD that girl sounds like a genius."

"yeah, her name's sav. you guys,, would get along, i think."

okay now for the winter break part!!

i think that you can get permission to stay at dorms if you're an international student or something??

anyways since sav's super upset bcs her father straight-up told her not to come home bcs he has a new girlfriend ( god i hate sav's father )

katelyn would stay with her, but her dad can finally have her home in new york for christmas and she really doesn't want to miss it

cleo, the only one with a properly functional family, is going back to her big family house and loving parents and grandma and aunt and siblings and cousins. love that for her.

so aaron and sav are stuck at psu for 2 weeks and aaron's surprisingly cool with this. and sav's excited bcs for the first time since her mom died, she can spend her christmas with someone she actually wants around instead of her shitty-ass father and his constant stream of bitchy girlfriends

they spend a lot of time together, stealing food from the athlete's dining hall to make their own weird combos, which usually ends with aaron making something Cool and Interesting and sav gagging and spitting out whatever strange concoction she had previously insisted would taste good

i literally can't bring myself to give a shit about the twinyards' deal bcs andrew literally became best friends with renee?? and hooks up with guys at eden’s??? idk what's going on there but it's like andrew is trying to control aaron's life while he can do whatever he wants??? and honestly wtf????

also let me just make it clear that i ADORE andrew so so much he's one of my favourite comfort characters ever but i'm not gonna make excuses for his shitty behaviour. i fully believe he heals and puts away his pride to apologise to aaron, nicky, and kevin for his treatment of them

that's definitely not to say that aaron's internalised homophobia isn't eww, but with so many important people in his life gay, he makes a huge effort to get over it

so andrew just thinks that aaron is spending a lot of time in the library or out with nicky or something

and when aaron tells sav about this deal, she's kinda horrified, but it's pretty clear to her that aaron so desperately wants to fix his relationship with his brother, and she's not in any place to discourage him, is she?

the only thing she can do is hope that he won't come out all the worse for it

and stare at the boy curled up on the other end of the pale pink sofa cleo's parents had gotten, wonder just how much shit he'd been put through, and decide she was going to be his best friend

aaron's face has gone entirely impassive. sav nudges his fluffy-socked foot with her own, then reaches out to smooth the crease between his eyebrows. "careful, you'll wrinkle your pretty little face."

aaron is very caught off guard by this, and very promptly flushes bright red, which contrasts with the pale teal hoodie he stole from katelyn

"okay, enough talk about depressing crap. wanna go make christmas cookies now?"

"yeah."

so they make christmas cookies. well, it was supposed to be christmas cookies, but it turns into double chocolate fudge cookies somewhere along the line. neither of them knows how

them baking together is the definition of chaos. they're still blasting songs, and sav is singing along terribly

"yOu'Re A mEaN oNe, Mr. GrInCh," while poking aaron's cheek as he tries to mix something. he throws a handful of flour at her. "yOu ReAlLy ArE A hEel."

anyways obviously sav retaliates and that ends in a flour fight. it only stops when aaron deadass cracks an egg on sav's head and she smears chocolate into his hair

she also tries to make him sing along to baby, it's cold outside

"i'Ve GoT tO Go `wAAyyy~" she holds a spatula up to his face

"go away."

they video call katelyn, who takes one look at the mess in the cramped dorm kitchen and sighs so loudly and dramatically that her dad pops in and asks if everything's okay

aaron freezes up at the sight of him and sav quickly turns off the camera, bcs they both want to make good impressions on him, and being covered in various cookie ingredients just won't cut it, ya know?

the cookies turn out delicious and sav sends all their group chat various photos of the process, most of which consist of selfies with her making goofy faces while aaron is simultaneously baking and flipping off the camera

plus a several videos of sav enthusiastically dancing and mouthing the lyrics of, as follows, all i want for christmas is you, let it snow, and santa claus is coming to town and aggressively pointing a spatula at aaron

"c'mon aari, just sing! please??? please???? please you can do it i believe in you!!"

finally he just. gives up. "okay, you know what? fine, i'll sing to ONE and then you will STOP bothering me you insolent dumbass."

sav beams. santa baby starts playing. aaron is very clearly going through five stages of grief in 0.5 seconds

"go on," sav says sweetly as she slides in next to a pouting aaron, "i'll sing with you."

sav slings an arm around his shoulder and sways with him, so it's just her doing that and him grumpily mumbling the lyrics

and when the cookies are cooling down, they start cleaning the kitchen up. aaron rubs some spilled egg yolk into sav's hair but it goes pretty okay otherwise, since they're just listening to more christmas songs and chatting about light stuff, like aaron's biochem course, sav's fashion course, and their dumb classmates

aaron mostly listens tho, and learns that sav kind of hates allison reynolds for giving up her inheritance when she would do ANYTHING for even the tiniest fraction of that money

but she still thinks allison's gorgeous bcs c'mon

and that sav's dream is to one day open her own boutique!!

aaron spends most of the actual christmas day with the monsters at eden's bcs nicky and andrew wanted to

he spent a lot of the time texting on their group chat

doessavvyisgay: so u just go to a nightclub every week??

unaliveme: i mean yeah, i literally worked here for a while. we needed money and nicky was already working 2 jobs night and day

actualblessing: babe ur backstory is so tragic

unaliveme: i'm a fox for a reason ig

cleo.magda: Yes but-

doessavvyisgay renamed this conversation "aaron miniyard support group"

unaliveme: oh ffs

unaliveme: sav subject change go

doessavvyisgay: i'm at the clothes store what should i get?

actualblessing: something pretty :)

doessavvyisgay: sorry, i can't buy the cashier

cleo.magda: Wow.

doessavvyisgay: I DID GET HER NUMBER THO

unaliveme: lmaooo what's her name?

doessavvyisgay: uh

unaliveme: savannah istg u don't even know her name??

actualblessing: s a v

actualblessing: damn u really do be turning on the Charm tho

actualblessing: respect i didn't even talk to aaron till i asked him for notes bcs he has rly pretty notes and also a rly pretty face

actualblessing: and even then i was like :0

unaliveme: IT WAS CUTE I PROMISE

doessavvyisgay: u 2 = the only valid heterosexual couple

actualblessing: rt

unaliveme: oh shit i'm getting super drunk

cleo.magda: Aaron, you drink? That's not legal, get out of there right now. Kids these days-

unaliveme: cleo u have literally seen me get drunk af,, the first time we met,,, and anyways this is how my family bonds ✌🏻

doessavvyisgay: that's. so damn weird kiddo but go off ig

actualblessing: no go find better things to bond about other than alcohol and weird sweaty dancing

cleo.magda: Yeah, go watch some Christmas movies!

unaliveme: nicky makes us watch die hard every year

doessavvyisgay: see u in hell, kiddo ;)

cleo.magda: I meant things like The Polar Express and Home Alone.

actualblessing: merry christmas ya filthy animals!!

doessavvyisgay: merry xmas y'all i'm gonna go to that christmas party bcs i'm super bored

unaliveme: merry christmas mothers and fuckers

cleo.magda: Merry Christmas, you guys!

[tomdiddlyumptious]

A.R| Just Cry Already

Summary: ITZ CURCH OR HOWEVER YOU SPELL IT

warning: language, uhhhm idk what else- racism as usual- however you spell that?...

A/n: IF YOU READ THE REPLY I MADE UU KNOW WHY I WAS GONE! Luv you 😘 unedited as usual- my writing sucks AS USUAL

Chapters -> one ✨ two 🤠 three ✨ four 🤠 five

While your dad wore green your mom wore yellow, your brother wore black and so did you, a solid black dress thats off the shoulders and black flats, your brother throwing on a black dress shirt and some pants, some shiny combat boots and his hair combed out and fluffy, thanks to your help.

You wore some clip on earrings and wore a afro with a side part, your moms hair in a pixie cut, a yellow and white polka dot dress and some white wedges, a nice necklace while your dad wore whatever, black pants and a white shirt with some classy church shoes.

“I cant believe that dads actually doin this to us” cloud sighs as your cleaning his eyebrows with some homeade wax that isnt a thing yet. “Ow!” “Im sorry cloud but your gonna have to work with me here!” “You know this isnt very manly like, shouldnt i have bushy eyebrows” “if you want a craked whore knocking at our door”

“Come on kids! Steak is ready” your mom yelled. You look at his eyebrows and smile, planting a kiss on his forehead “love ya” “i know” you let out a pshh and let him get up, pushing his head to the side.

You and your family rode in silence, the steak on your lap as you went over the bumbs of the road, you silently started to laugh as everyones body just jumped from the large bumb.

As your dad pulled up you seen a whole lot of white people “thats a whole lot a white people dad, you sure about this?” Cloud asks as he looks out the window.

“Calm down, lets go” he unbuckles himself as everyone follows, you hesitant to get out until cloud looks at you and gives a smile “your good alright? We are people and living, lets go” you gave him a weak smile as he took the steak off of your lap and you went out of the car and outside.

You walked inside right next to cloudy and your mom, everyone standing tall exept you and cloudy, he is about a few inches taller then you so he reaches down and whispers in your ear “ive never been around so much white people before” as you walk up to the preacher.

“Stand tall boy!” You mom whisper yells, making cloud stand taller. As you get to the end your father as the man of the house talks.

“Hey” he gives a smile. “This is awkward” you whisper. “Hi, uh- is that for me?” The preacher asks, pointing at the steak in cloudys hands. “Yeah, come here” cloudy walks up to his father as he sticks out the baking dish and your father presses his hand on cloudys shoulder.

Arvin and lenora look over at the unfamiliar family that stepped inside. “Is that-“ “y/n?” Arvin finishes the sentence. “Yes it is- she looks beautiful” lenora complements as tom didnt even notice your dress, just your face. It was beautiful already, the nice complexion shinning as the black dress shows more of your shinning skin, your shoulders and collar bones shiny as hell and your dangle purple clipped earring also popped out.

“Yeah she is...”

“Is that a nigger?” “Why are they here?” A whole lot of whispers went around that you and your family didnt even know about, they were just suprised they never seen your fathers beautiful daughter, or even well dressed son in church before.

“They arent supposed to be here!” A random said, coming up about to do something until the preacher pointed a finger at him, preston pointing a finger at him.

“In god eyes we are all the same, we commit no sin or shame in gods domain” he corrected him, he stood there shocked but only rolled his eyes walking back to his precious wife and children.

“You never told me how beautiful she was, arvin” his grandma giggled. “Yeah...” he whispers back.

You sat with arvin because no one else really wanted to, he sat in the corner and his grandma sat beside him with lenora right next to you, then cloudy, your mother, and of course your father.

“Do people really believe in this shit?” You whisper to cloudy as he whispers back. “Dont cuss in his house y/n, he’s watching you- but i kinda do” you all jumped as preston said “DELUSIONS”. “Yeah i better start beliven, i think that was a warning” you whisper back, and suddenly you have a hand ontop of yours grabbing it softly, asking for attention you look over and see lenora with a smug smile on her face.

“Hey i just wanted to thank you for everything- god does help us a lot dont he?” She asks shyly, you give her a smile as you lie with a ‘yes’ but then you turn back to cloudy “bullshit” he silently giggles not causing any noise as he continued to pay attention.

You all stood clumped up, your Claustrophobia was reeking in your skin, but arvin was next to you this time, he whispered in your ear. “You up for a date?” “my dad will kill me, i said” he bit his lip and made a bold move of holding you hand only to let it go. “Why is it sweaty?” He asks.

“Claustrophobia” you answer quickly, he simply holds it again and both of your eyes stuck on preston.

After preston made the embarrassing move, your hand tightened around his noticing his mad state. You rub your thumb across his knuckles, arvin relaxing a bit as he gives a squeeze back indicating thats hes fine.

You walked out with cloudy and sighed. “Thats embarrassing” cloudy commented, you told him to shut up and mind his business.

You sat on your bed and sighed kicking off your flats and looking at the ceiling as cloudy entered. “Everything good?” “I feel bad, he didnt call him out but he called him out ya know?” You said as you layed down still looking at the cieling.

“It was arvin?” “Yeah” he sits on the corner of your bed and sighs, also kicking off his shoes. “So do you like the guy or what?” “He wants to take me on a date, i dont know yet” “but you held is hand!” He whisper yelled.

You groaned as you threw your head back on the pillow, repeatedly. “You dont think i know that?- mind your business!” You said to him. “You aleady know i do not do that” you bit your lip and smacked clouds arm.

“Goodnight” you simply say. “Arent you gonna change first?” “Goodnight” cloud smiles as he stands up to grab his shoes and when he was at the door he turned back to you “love you y/n”. You gasped as you looked at him “NO FUCKIN WAY!” He only laughed as he finally left.

Taggie @electricityholland @jeyramarie

[nikoalaa]

usually this is something i’d post on a side blog with no tags or followers (just to get out of my head), but i think this time i want the possibility of someone helping. idk how long this will be but i’ll put it under a read more when i’m on my computer.

i’ve been struggling more lately. idk if it’s just the pandemic and quarantine and everything getting to me, but this has all been happening before too, just maybe not as often. i’m more anxious, i’m more depressed, i want to shut myself away from friends and not leave my house much unless it’s a quick trip somewhere by myself. i’m so tired all the time. i’m just so, so exhausted. and since i’m home a lot with nothing to do, i’ll sleep. my schedule is so messed up. i sleep basically 5am-2pm and then sometimes still take a nap. like today i slept 5 or 6 am- 2, woke up and had something small to eat, sat at my computer and then slept again 6:30pm-9pm. i jokingly call this my “unemployed schedule” with my parents, but i think they just think i’m lazy.

and speaking of them, i think a lot of my problems i have with myself would be nonexistent if i just had good parents. my crooked teeth wouldn’t be an issue if my dad didn’t hate doctors and was scared of the dentist, therefore never making appointments for me or my brother, resulting in us both not having good teeth. my weight and unhealthy relationship to food wouldn’t be an issue if my mom would have just made me eat a god damn vegetable when i was a kid instead of just giving me chicken nuggets so i would stop whining. and when i was chubbier then other kids, instead of herself trying to fix my diet by actually cooking healthy food and making me eat it, she made me see a doctor and go to group sessions of other kids in similar situations (that i was very uncomfortable going to, to the point of me crying, but she forced me to go anyway). which none of that helped anyway, it just made me self conscious about eating so i now hate food and when i do eat in public, i feel gross and that people are staring at me. and now my body has tricked itself that if i’m out in public, i can only eat very little or else i get sick and throw up. and my mental illness could be in check if my parents just put in any effort. they’ve been aware of my depression since i was in 3rd grade (which my mom would phrase as “you don’t seem as happy anymore”) and i recall having anxiety since kindergarten. i get that we didn’t have a lot of money when i was growing up, so maybe they just made me see the guidance counselor every friday for two school years. which is fine, that’s what they could do and it was at least something idk. but after that it’s like they stopped caring. i went on to public school after that and i hated it. i constantly would go to the nurses office in 5th grade and pretend being sick so my mom could pick me up or some how get me home. that should have been a red flag. or whenever my dad asked me how my day was and i never said “good”, another red flag. i was so depressed for the rest of my time in public school, and they didn’t do anything. sure i would join clubs or play sports to try to make myself happy and have fun, but it wasn’t ever enough. high school was even worse. i was angry all the time. just that angry emo kid sat in the back of the class. and eventually i lost almost all my friends. i started cutting, but i kept it hidden until i got changed after gym class one day. someone i was kinda friends with spotted the cuts on my upper arm. they gave me a knowing look and asked what happened. i said my dog scratched me. but it was way too many cuts and too dark to be dog scratches. but they didn’t ask again and i was grateful because i didn’t want help at the time. rest of school went on, the cutting stopped (or at least stopped being as frequent. relapses now and again), had panic attacks before and during school (that i always seemed like a burden for having when my mom had to deal with it), then i had a manipulative friend/ex gf i’m not even going to get into rn. long section short, my parents knew i was struggling. they would mention it off handedly. “you didn’t seem as happy” “we saw their was something going on” stuff like that. but they did nothing to help me. never asked questions, never talked to me, never asked if i needed help or someone else to talk to.

after highschool the panic attacks weren’t as frequent, but the depression was there. and they knew it. because even now and then i would bring it up, especially when i was having a breakdown. i would tell them i need help, i need a therapist and i need medication. she said (because it was always my mom i would go to) that she would see what she could do. then nothing happened. another time, full break down, and i fully told her i am suffering and i need help. she made me feel like such a burden and an inconvenience. she said she had no idea how to get me a therapist. no idea where to start. so i told her, mainly yelled, to ask this one lady we know (someone who had actually done more for my mental health than my own mother) for advice because i know her two kids go to therapy and stuff. she said she would try but she never did. few weeks ago, i have the biggest panic attack i’ve had in a while. full hyperventilating, almost going to throw up, all because there was a bug in my room trapped under a bowl. that is not healthy. i’m sobbing and gasping for air as my dad is trying to get the fast bug off the floor but not lose it, and once it’s gone i’m in bed sobbing and heaving and my whole body is twitching uncontrollably. she thinks she’s hot shit because she did that “5 things you can touch” bull shit once i was starting to calm. nothing again after that. what they did, they bought a hand vacuum so i could catch bugs myself. i guess so i won’t have to bother them at 4 in the morning and again freaking the fuck out. all in all, if they got me therapy as a teen and i had meds, i probably would be much much much better off. i won’t even go into the trans stuff rn. i think they think it went away because they ignored it and i don’t talk about it with them. even tho in the rest of the world away from family, i go by my chosen name and my friend calls me “he”. but it’s been almost 4 years, if not already 5 years, since i came out to them. they said they looked up therapy and stuff but again, nothing ever happened. i joke with my parents and say they’re lucky i don’t steal my dogs prozac and they laugh. i know it’s exactly the one used for people because it’s the same exact one my ex took. these days i’m starting to see things out of the corner of my eye, but nothing is there. i tell my mom i think i have adhd or something because i’ve read symptoms and it would make sense. and i also don’t remember a time where my head wouldn’t just be quiet. even now. it never is. but she says i was tested and they didn’t say i had adhd. when i was 7... and it’s misdiagnosed in afab people... and especially since i was anxious as a child.. and nervous around the lady who tested me. when. i. was. 7. shit develops later in life. but she won’t believe me because she says she’s trained to see the signs for her work. but then she’ll bring up how my uncle, grandma, and dad, are like the poster kids for adhd. and she just won’t believe me.

i’m really struggling with just everything. and i feel guilty that i’m even struggling and “feeling bad”. i’m a white kid from the philly suburbs. everything could be much much worse for me. but then again, i know thinking like this isn’t good for me. just because it could be worse, doesn’t mean it still can’t be a hell of a lot better too. i just want to be okay. i want to be healthy and happy. i’ve never really gotten to experience it all. my happiness seems fake and it fades away. my idea of health is “going to the gym and the right amount of anorexia.” i know that’s not healthy but that’s just the only way i know. my mom doesn’t seem to care anyway. i tell her that when i am working or i was in school, i would only have like one meal a day. she didn’t say a thing. i just want to be happy. i don’t want to die. i really don’t. i hate being alive but like, i’m already here. i’m not going to take myself out. but it’s just so hard to exist a lot of the time. idk how i’ve done it this long. and i can tell it’s gonna get bad again because i tried to cut myself a few nights ago. the knife wasn’t sharp enough to really make a mark but i had no energy to keep trying. i really need help but idk what to do anymore.

[mnemehoshiko]

I Really Should Just Invest In Naps + TMI: HEALTH STUFF (x-posted DW/PF)

I'm so tired. I really need to think of a better way of starting these beyond, "hi hello. i am tired. ONCE A FUCKING GAIN."

My parents came Thursday evening to help my brother move on Friday. He's moving apartments and i'm lowkey jealous because he has

TWO ROOMS!!!

A REAL BATHROOM!!

a fucking washer and dryer in unit

all utilities covered except for internet

for fucking 950/month. T___T

The only con is that he's farther from things compared to his, now, prior apartment. Also it's carpeted which is a downside for me (and probably him). But ughhhhh.

But he did most of the movie on his own before they showed up on Friday? So they didn't have a lot left to move.

Mama brought me pillows?? Which are Nice and Lovely and I like the Color but it was also just weird to go downstairs to let them in and have the exchange of

Me: SALAAM MOM

Mother: Salaam, I have your pillows. *thrusts garbage bag filled with pillows at moi*

Me:*blinks* (thinking....when....did I....ask....for pillows??? In retrospect, it was probably one of those things I like claimed when grandma posted stuff to the family WhatsApp group?? And I probably?? Forgot???) Mother: *squints* you just woke up didn't you. Me, who got dressed in like 3 minutes immediately after she called saying they were here: *takes pillows* =__= (I had Not Just Woken Up. I had woken up and then rolled over. VAST DIFFERENCE!! ....there is no difference.) (In my defense, my period has literally Just Started and I'm like Not Happy By This. T_T) They ask if I want to come to my brother's place to move stuff and I'm like, "i'll go on the second round." (also known as attempt to clean my apartment, haahhahaha) I help with the second round of stuff and we all pile into the mini-van to go my brother's place and it's NICE and I am Not Envious but I'm Not Not Envious. =___=

He has Actual Windows. T__T (my bedroom does not. my apartment...has A Lot of Flaws but It's Walking Distance From Many Things So I'm Paying for Convenience) (is this my current mantra? MAYBE.) Anyway, afterwards we go to Costco because like That Is What I Care About. And we Costco'd up. And had minor rage that a pack of 3, clinical strength "lady" deodorants were 12.99 vs 10.99 for 5 pack of "men" clinical deodorant. My brother concurred and has like also read up on the "pink tax" before and like if he ends up marrying a lady, I'M JUST LIKE??? CONGRATS?? WE HAVE TRAINED SOME SEMBLANCE OF A WOKE BLACK MALE. PLEASE DIRECT PRAISE TO MY MOTHER AND MY SISTERS. (no really, he can cook, clean, grocery shop, basically function as a decent human being and like LISTENS WHEN WOMEN TALK IN A THOUGHTFUL MANNER. He also is willing to openly weep during movies, so like congrats.) Anyway, then we went to Sprouts?? Which is like the Large Hippie Grocery Store in Durham and I uhhhh had never been there properly and now I understand why little brother sometimes grocery shops there. There were So Many Types of Almond Milk I Was In Heaven. (update: have discovered that Sprouts....instacarts to my area......as does Sur la Table. This Is Dangerous Information.) Then we went to the hardware store to acquire somethings for little bro's apartment and then we popped back to my place and my mother was like LET ME HELP YOU WITH THINGS. Me, aware my apartment is still disastrous: "That's....not....necessary." Narrator: The mother was undeterred. She did not have a conniption but she did go into Deep Maternal Worry Mode with Bonus Overbearing and Meddling Steamrolling. Internal Me: She means well. She means well. She feels guilty that she's not Around More Often Even Though I Made The Choice To Move Down South. Mother: are you okay? I know you have the anxiety and depression but has anything else happened?? You know?? You'd feel better if this place was cleaner. Me: *pained nods* Mother: Has anything else happened that you haven't told us??? I know you have the health things but anything else? Me: ...no??? (Beyond health and like my inability to like sleep properly, nothing else has happened but stress of my grad life. =_=_ Mother: LETS TAKE JUST 5 MINUTES AND TIDY THINGS UP A LITTLE

Me, who's hungry and still Has Not Eaten In Spite of It Being 5pm: mother Mother, with broom and dustpan and trashbag: COME ALONG. Internal Me: She means Well. At Least She Is Here And Alive. Appreciate The Time You Have With Her. She Means Well. *grits teeth* We clean. WE ALMOST THROW AWAY ONE OF MY ROTHYS BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LOOK INSIDE  BOXES BEFORE THROW SHIT OUT!!! And then we go to the restaurant for dinner....where the kitchen messes up my little brother's order and has chapati on the plate and he has a severe wheat allergy. So he takes Benadryl and my mother....goes into....deep worry mode Again. SHOULD WE LEAVE HIM AT HIS APARTMENT BY HIMSELF???? SHOULD WE TAKE HIM TO THEIR HOTEL??

my mother, once again, making plans without idk ASKING EITHER PARTY INVOLVED: MNEME, YOU SHOULD STAY AT HIS PLACE OVERNIGHT!! HE HAS A WASHER AND DRYER SO YOU CAN DO YOUR LAUNDRY THERE FOR FREE!!! me, a known cheap but is fucking exhausted and trying desperately to Not Snap At My Mother Because That Is Not Respectful But Also Looking Forward to Flopping on Her Fucking Couch and Maybe Even Getting A Waterbottle for my tummy: ....yes mother. =___= My dad upon seeing my mother and I exiting the apartment complex with my laundry: ???? Me, wordlessly pleading for salvation: o__o My mother, once we get to my brother's apartment: ....you know I probably should have asked before making this plan... My brother and I having Just Accepted Our Fate: *crickets* I give my brother the air mattress to blow up until he gets a Real Bed, (the place came unfurnished--which is the other reason I haven't moved because i'd need to like Get Furniture And At This Stage of My PhD, It's Just Not Worth It--so he has No Furniture At All). I sleep on the floor instead of telling my brother to just scoot over and let me ALSO SLEEP on the mattress which is a Queen-sized mattress. Nor does it occur to him to offer it to me. *stares into the void at my back* (In her defense, she did message us apologizing and I know she wasn't doing it maliciously and she's over zealous at times because she feels bad that like I'm a few hundred miles away. Alone. By myself. Single and thus don't have like anyone who's there for emotional support which like does suck but also I AM DOING... Not Amazing But Not As Bad As Undergrad? So...yeah.) I do all my laundry except for like One set that I do in the morning because my father is slow as molasses for Anything and I Know That While My Mother Wants To Leave Early they will not be here early and I have accepted this reality. Mother: WE'RE GOING TO BE THERE By 7:30 AT THE LATEST Narrator: They arrived around 10ish. We still managed to get to the farmers markets though? WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED HER TO EXPERIENCE. NC may not have Many Good Things but The Farmer Markets are So So Nice?? And big??? I have also realized if you wear a shirt that says "Ask me, I'm a scientist!" Shockingly, people read it and like ASK. Me, who slept in this shirt and threw a cardigan on because I was Too Lazy To Put On A Real Adult Shirt: ????? ! oooohhhhh... i do science. yes. yes, i do. Also got my brother to change his address because the voter registration folks were there and like IT'S EASIER TO DO IT THERE then like Figure Out Where To Go, so like We Did Our Civic Duty Today. *finger guns* Got some loaves of GF bread from the bread seller that sells Actual Edible GF bread. Sadly, they were out of raisin because it was 11am and like they open at 7am. T___T

Then we grabbed my dad, who went to the coffee shop....to work. It's been almost a full year since his open-heart surgery and he's back to being a Workaholic. =___=

Then we went to Lowes because he needed something and my parents FAILED TO COMMUNICATE PLANS and he was like...."oh I thought we were going to do it on the way back to MD??". Either way, I now have an adapter to make a three pronged plug into a two pronged one? So yay?

Then we took me, and my laundry, back to my place. My mother gave yet more instructions. I just smiled and nodded and reminded that she meant well.

And then ran back to the car because SHE WAS SO INSISTENT ON LIKE MOVING MY LAUNDRY BASKETS THAT SHE ALMOST LEFT HER MEDS BEHIND!! Me, ....this...is why....i said.... i could do it.......

But they are now back safely in MD, along with my brother because he has an orhto appointment. I was debating going back with them but I uh can't because I have a meeting with my PI on wednesday. And thus, I stay here. But I have a lot of article revisions and analyses to do so it sadly makes sense.

Maybe I'll try to go NY in Aug or mid-July?

IN FUN HEALTH THINGS, new game that I hate; "is this blood from my period or from my ass?" Spoiler: It's both~~~." Which now makes me regretting uh telling the gastro office that "no, I don't have symptoms so I don't think the steroid is necessary??" But in my defense, I DIDN'T HAVE SYMPTOMS ON WEDNESDAY WHEN THEY CALLED. Also they uh, usually are 3-6 months apart not 1.5 months...apart. So that was an unpleasant surprise which led to me pass out in bed when my parents left because ahhahahaha blood loss is v v exhausting and I forgot to pack my iron pills last night.

-____-

So, my mother is coming down again in July to take me to my sigmoidscopy. In which, they'll see things. Or they won't. I hope they see something? Anything? I don't want UC but I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

- why i've been constantly inflamed since 2015?

- i know what hemorrhoidal bleeding looks like and uhhhhh i'm sorry but I shouldn't be dropping Actual Clots Out Of My Ass

*lies down*

i just want to not be tired and my intestines to not hate me as much. =_=

Okay, I am Going To Actually Sleep After I Knock Back Some Licorice Tea for my throat. (it's....super sore for some reason which is Not Great since I have D&D tomorrow most likely.)

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

rabbit tour!

i just made a “shelf” so all my stuffed animals weren’t crowded on the windowsill and i used this as an opportunity to take pictures of all the ones i have with me so here we go!

this is artemis, a majestic and powerful silver rabbit with a very dramatic backstory

basically i was 5 hours away from home on a work trip and i saw her in the window of a shop BUT it hadn’t opened yet so i had to walk away not knowing if I would have time to get back to the shop before it closed, if someone else would buy the rabbit, or if i even had enough money to buy the rabbit in the first place 

the most I was willing to spend was $20, not because I don’t think this rabbit is a priceless artifact of beauty, but bc im a peasant and my job was technically volunteer work and paid less than minimum wage but ANYWAY i go on and on about this fucking rabbit to anyone who will listen, my coworkers are plotting ways to murder me that will look like an accident, but we get back to the store and the rabbits still there AND ITS ExACTLY $20 SO I IMMEDIATELY BUY IT WITH NO REGRETS BEST PURCHASE OF MY LIFE 

here are some little baby babies i have clipped to my backpack (can you tell i like rabbits???), the yellow one on top is bun might for obvious reasons

 the one in the middle is technically unnamed but i call him sergeant pez bc hes a pez dispenser and he was in one of my dads old military trunks for like a million years until he was cleaning them out and gave him to me 

the light green one is the newest addition, her name is mochi and shes so fucking soft you guys its like petting a delicate cloud 

these arent rabbits but theyre still valid so shut up, the black cat is named agugu (short for akutagawa) bc i was into bung/ou s/tray d/ogs at the time 

the panda in the middle was a gift from my roommate and her name is monochrome because i have another panda back home thats purple and her name is. purple. so i wanted to stick with the theme here

the white tiger is named at2shi after atsushi (from b/ungou st/ray d/ogs again) who can turn into a white tiger but also i already had ANOTHER non-white tiger that was named atsushi so this one is at2shi 

more wild thangs that arent rabbits!

the elephant is слон or “sloane”, слон means elephant in russian and it’s kind of pronounced like the name sloane so it’s a very deep complex and intellectual name, clearly. слон is a puppet that shrieks like the souls of the damned when you squeeze him and he was a gift from my high school russian teacher because i would be Blessed with the duty of making слон scream at students who were speaking english in class, he’s a good comrade 

the tiger is atsushi, im sure you can figure out his deal based on at2shi, i got him at the zoo and hes lovely

the red panda with the minnie ears might have had another name at some point but during my regrettable b/s/d phase i started calling him chuuya and it stuck, also now i put my minnie ears on him bc his head’s the perfect size so im more or less using him as a hat rack which is very on brand for chuuya actually

the purple sloth staring into the camera (and your soul) is gasloth leroux and i won him at dave and busters after re-reading phantom of the opera

(last batch of non-rabbits)

the bear in the snazzy tunic is radar, he was originally my mom’s as a baby and she gave him to me as a baby and since i dont intend on spawning im hoarding him forever #life hack 

yall better know who fucking kermit is 

aannnd we already went over слон in the last picture so! back to the rabbits!

welcome to the purple corner, friends!

the little all purple one in the back is sukie, and she is just baby, only little creacher, nothing can change that, she was a gift for easter i think two years ago now 

the purple and white rabbit with the pink nose laying next to the cardboard shapes is named violet and her fur is very soft and lovely but she has some kind of hard panel inside (she moves, maybe? idk) so not exactly optimized for cuddling, still shes a good girl

the hulking googly eyed purple yarn monstrosity is roundy blumbo and he was handmade by my terrible but talented sister @rattypants​

most of these are new arrivals because walgreens has easter rabbits out and some of them were literally only three dollars so yeah but anyway

the grey one with the pink bow is named toshi after all might (i got him about the same time as bun might so b/nha heavily owned my ass at the time) and hes absolutely perfect for cuddling, very soft and long

the blue one is named bluebell the second or “twobell”, when I was younger I had a really tiny blue stuffed rabbit named bluebell that i would take everywhere but one day i dropped it somewhere in or around a ymca and lost it forever and i literally did not stop crying for two whole days because of it, bluebell the second is a spiritual successor who hopefully wont get lost 

the one that looks just like bluebell the second but not blue is marshmallow, bluebell the seconds identical twin brother who was also 3 dollars because literally, THREE DOLLARS

the one with light brown fur and orange ears is named gingersnap carrot cake because I liked both names and couldnt decide and since i bought him around the same time as bluebell the second and marshmallow, he’s their mischievous older brother and together i guess that makes them the rabbit mcelroys 

now the round rabbit next to toshi with the floppy ears and a smaller rabbit with a green dress on its back is rose and bunnia, the larger one is rose, the mother, and bunnia is her daughter, they have a very close relationship as you can see

the small white and brown rabbit next to rose and bunnia is spenser, named after edmund spenser, creator of the spenserian sonnet, bc i bought her at a renn faire and thought she should have an old timey name, shes a literary icon 

now we’re getting into the old guard! all the rabbits in this picture (aside from carrot cake gingersnap whomst is a SLUT FOR ATTENTION) are all ones i got between the ages of 6-10, so theyre my day ones uwu

the brown rabbit with floppy ears is mocha, she was a christmas present when i was 9 years old and shes probably the most rabbit-shaped rabbit i have 

the rabbit with the bright pink scarf is beatrice (i dont have favorites except actually i do and its beatrice), I got her when i was 7 years old from goodwill and one of her arms was kind of loosely connected and started falling off which Horrified me and i tried to “take care of her” by using a bit of ribbon as a sling, eventually my grandma sewed her arm back on so then i used the ribbon as a scarf and ever since then beatrice has had a scarf of some kind  

the rabbit next to beatrice with the black button eye is wrinkly pinkly, who lost her eye in the warTM (it fell off years later but she claims to have lost it in the war anyway and shes old so everyone just goes along with it), shes very loose and as the name implies, VERY wrinkly which makes her fun to wiggle around 

the bright pink rabbit with the wide head is anna, beatrice’s mom and wrinkly pinkly’s sister, her husband griffy is back home so i dont have a picture of him but their story is very enemies-to-lovers (they were on opposite sides of The War) and shes a very ambitious and powerful figure in rabbitopia despite having hundreds of kids to raise #feminist icon 

the light pink rabbit with the yarn dress is madison, ironically named long before i even remotely knew that madison, wisconsin was a place that exists, and shes beatrice’s younger sister and shes very active and athletic but she also likes being pretty which is why i made her the yarn dress

cottontail (he doesnt actually have a tail) is the town drunk and a constant nuisance, his wife left him so now he’s always hoeing around and causing trouble for everyone (which is also what he did Before his wife left him), one of his legs is more filled than the other so he walks with a limp. his wife took most of the children except

darnell (the long pink rabbit lying down), who inherited her dad’s troublemaking tendencies and loves playing pranks and talking shit 

(last one, for all the zero people who are still reading at this point)

next to cottontail we have aminta in the green dress, i bought her at the airport and shes a very beautiful and distinguished young rabbit who madison is ABSOLUTELY gay for, she’s very proper and is being brought up by

hera nova (the white rabbit with the pink nose and floppy ears in the back) who is the oldest rabbit i have (Ive had her since i was at least 5, though she didn’t get a name until i was in my greek mythology phase a few years later), shes sort of a grandma to all the other rabbits and could absolutely destroy them all if she wanted to 

karoline (yes with a k, i didnt know the kardashians were a Thing back then) is the yellow rabbit with the basket, she works at rabbitopia’s most popular restaurant, the spinning carrot, and she is one of the three main chefs along with her sister 

bonnie, the pink rabbit with only one ear, she got torn up pretty badly over the years but shes still alive and still spinning those carrots!! (there was a third rabbit that worked with them named fritz who was white and holding an easter egg but i don’t remember what happened to her) 

so there we go! rabbits! lots of them! 

[gatorfruit-moved]

200, 192, 189, 174, 171, all in the believe in category, 154, 149, 146, 145, 142, 141, 138, 131, all in the here's what i think about category, 86, 84, 76, 66, 60, 54, 49, 44, 22, 18, 15, 11, 6, 2 Only answer the ones you want - there's a lot...Sorry lmao. I'm just curious

I love when I can go on and on about questions, thank you

200 My crush’s name is:I have two and people irl have my tumblr and one of them has a tumblr so :x they’re both a K name. 192 I am allergic to:Cats which does not stop me, all kinds of pollen, and lavender. 189 Last book you read:I’m currently working on When The Moon Was Ours174 Do you have any siblings?Not biologically but my friends may as well be my brothers, we say we are. 171 Do you play an instrument?I’ve been on flute since late third grade and I’m learning both guitar and bass. Do you believe in169 Love at first sight:Mmmmm not really? I dunno. 168 Luck:In a way to just describe entropy yeah. 167 Fate:Again not really but I like to use it in a poetic sense. 166 Yourself:Pfffft not really165 Aliens:HELL YEAH164 Heaven:Nope163 Hell:Nah162 God:Nada161 Horoscopes:No but I think they’re neat160 Soul mates:It’d be cool but no159 Ghosts:No but I like supernatural shit like that158 Gay Marriage:OH YEAH BABEYYY157 War:No but I don’t really like involving myself in that discussion, i don’t know jack about psychology or sociology. 156 Orbs:In the supernatural sense no but I do believe in my friend’s cat we call Orb. He deserves all the love. 155 Magic:No but another thing I think is cool. 154 Hugs or Kisses:I love bear hugs so much but I’ve also never been kissed. Cheek and forehead kisses are good but I’m going with hugs. 149 Hot or cold:Cold but with warm sun146 Chocolate or vanilla:Vanilla! Swirl is the best though145 Night or Day:Night but like just as the sun is starting to set. 142 McDonalds or Burger King:mcnaldos. I was gonna italicize it but mobile sucks. 141 White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:Milk unless it’s cookies and cream which reminds me of the summer, when Uzii and Abbas bought out the whole stock at the general store on Kelley’s Island. 138 Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:I mean I’m ugly and poor lmao. If we’re talking personality, sweet and poor. If it’s appearance, i don’t care ab looks sooooo ugly and rich. 131 Small town or Big city:This is so hard for me because I live for Pittsburgh but Kelley’s Island was so perfect. Here’s what I think about122 War:Like I said in the do I believe one, I don’t know enough to say anything. It’s a complicated issue but for the most part I hate it121 George Bush:I have no idea120 Gay Marriage:I may be gay married one day lmao119 The presidential election:I mean this past one gave us some top notch SNL. It’s a shame though that the first on I kept track of was this shitshow. 118 Abortion:I’m very pro choice117 MySpace:Idk116 Reality TV:I love me some drag and cooking competitions but not things like the bachelor. 115 Parents:Mine? I’m fine with. Our relationship is a little weird. Plus I was raised by grandparents so it’s a complicated thing. I can go more in depth if you want. 114 Back stabbers:Rot in hell Alexa. Sorry just a vent. 113 Ebay:I dunno really112 Facebook:I barely use it but it was good to come out on lmao111 Work:I need it110 My Neighbors:I don’t talk to them but my old ones were creeps109 Gas Prices:I don’t drive so 🤷🏼‍♂️108 Designer Clothes:Hate it when they steal my culture 🔪🔪🔪 but other than that idc. There’s some stuff that is ridiculously priced but others, it’s just people making money doing something they love so power to them107 College:Let me in106 Sports:I bleed black and gold. I’m such a pittsburgher. 105 My family:Strange. I love em but they’re weird. Like I’ve got Opa’s side in Detroit which is all 6’+ and fairly well off, although we did lose the matriarch. There’s Oma’s in the Netherlands that I don’t know anything about. Papaw’s who are also well off, Aunt Martha outbid a college for her house but other than that I don’t really know them. Grandma’s Mexican yinzer family I love. We get petty over refried beans and guacamole. There’s some issues with me and coming out though. 104 The future:I’m kinda of afraid but there are days where I’m not and those are the best. 86 The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:Testosterone tbh84 People call me:Scottie, Scooter, Scoots, Major, two people are trying to push Scrotum and Scootums, along with various things like faggot and dumbass lmao. By friends, it’s not in an insulting way. 76 Right now I am talking to:Mack and attempting to get tumblr to let me talk to @kairoth although answering all these did take time66 People that make you happy:This list would be bigger if I talked to some people more and others didn’t betray me but the big ones are Mack and Kennedy60 I lose all respect for people who:Oof I can’t remember any of the big ones but if I heard them I’d remember. Deadnaming and misgendering is the biggest tho. 54 The worst pain I was ever in was:I can’t remember what it felt like when I got the fishhook through my shoulder but it left a scar. Granted falling in the parking lot during practice did too which didn’t hurt a lot. The one I can remember though is waking up in the middle of the night not able to move my knee, and so my leg, at all. It stills hurts from time to time and it’s got a mysterious bump that’s stressing me out. 49 Do you want children:Yeah, I feel like I’d be a good dad. I have dreams about it sometimes. I had one where I had a little tan freckles blonde haired daughter was teaching how to box. Another with a little brown haired brown eyed son, tying his tie, talking to him about how if he likes a girl, not to be mean but to treat her like a princess. If he ever makes a mistake, to buy her and her mother flowers, maybe even her sisters. I dunno. It’s nice to think about. 44 One person that you wish you could see right now:Carson so I can have a serious talk with him. Opa because got i miss him, and Great Grandma Laney. Dad, although I saw him recent enough that I’m not desperate. And the two crushes, not gonna name names. Favorites22 Animal:I love hyenas with all of my heart18 Sport to play:Hockey. Not only am I good at the actual game and get so much enjoyment out of it, but there’s nothing like a solid shoulder check. I threw a kid way bigger than me into the wall in middle school. 15 Day of the week:I used to really like Tuesday for some reason but now it’s probably Friday, especially if I go out and do stuff with friends right after school. 11 Food:Wedding soup I guess? It’s a comfort food. 6 Flower:I really like snapdragons, bleeding hearts, and warm colored roses. I’m also a huge fan of daffodils, tulips, hydrangeas, snowball bushes, and pansies for nostalgic reasons. I just really like flowers. 2 Dog breed:Oh man that’s tough. I really like big dogs, not quite in size but like stature if that makes any sense??? Things like bulldogs and pitties. Xolo dogs are great too

Thank you again!

[sun-flower-goddess]

Day 3

I had an INSANE dream last night! I was staying at my grandma's house, but it was more like if her old house was like a Georgia 2 storey with a wrap around porch. And I wasn't there by myself. My ex's sister was there with her baby, except it wasn't HER baby! It was my nephew's baby! That part I get because I haven't gotten to meet the baby yet since I've been sick and all her pictures are so cute!

There was this other part where my grandma was yelling at me because I said the baby couldn't use the kiddie pool because it didn't have chloroform in it?! Like she obviously meant chlorine but whatever. And then I'm like no! It's because the pool is fucking disgusting and needs to be cleaned! Then I guess we were having a family reunion or some shit because my brother and his family show up in like a huge fucking camper van truck thing and all of his kids are the wrong ages! The baby is now the oldest and the oldest is back to when he was a kid and his mom is just like OMG he is so we'll behaved now, can you believe it? And she's rolling her eyes from what I can only guess is exhaustion and I'm hugging my now too tall niece and she's like can you stop for a minute and talk to me? And I'm like why? I love loving up on all these kids! And then my brother comes to my side and pulls me away to talk but it was actually because he wanted to take a trip down memory lane or some shit? Idk.

Oh! Forgot that this whole thing started because I dreamt I was brushing my teeth and needed to spit but real me got up and rolled over and ACTUALLY SPIT! Right there on my bed IT WAS REALLY FUCKING WEIRD! I was like????? Whyyyy the fuck did you do that?!

So my dream brother pulled me aside and was talking to me about how weird dreams have meaning and then he starts bringing up all these things we did when we were younger . And some of them I have actual memories of but a LOT of them are psuedo real with heavy dream elements. Like he would definitely walk several blocks to my grandma's house and if I was visiting he would pick me up and take me to our dad's house and I vaguely remember getting sick and throwing up on him. But then there was the memory of seeing a movie called the entrapaneur with that funny guy that was in a movie with Jennifer Anniston that I will google to see if it's real because now I'm a little convinced? And he also told me about this time he was walking to our grandma's house after he was doing businessman which sounds dirty but was like a job he was actually doing and he walked by a finish line store and someone gave him a free shirt. Like what does that even mean?! And how would I remember a thing that is obviously not my memory?! And then he shows me the sound system on the big ass RV like it has some kind of value in terms of our childhood? U guess our dad did have a pretty awesome system when we were growing up and our grandma did too. Anyway after that we are some how on some crazy ass train fighting villains and to escape he turns into an ethereal blue owl. One of the ones from that movie with magical guardian owls. So majestic. And I turn into ... A fucking butterfly?! And we fly away and get chased by the villains that turn into giant black birds that are OBVIOUSLY targeting me because I'M A FUCKING PINK FUCKING BUTTERFLY and then I wake up very confused

[rezilient-m3]

8) I was kinda dreading to write this part because it's long and a shitty part of my life... I got pregnant after my son was taken. To me, I was happy, I thought this preganancy was want we both wanted. I was so hurt when James told me he wasn't ready to be a dad and he didn't think I should keep the baby. And to me, the way I was raised, you don't get abortions, it's just not a thing you can do. So, I was stuck. I still went home every chance I got to visit my son. One trip, it was my oldest sister, R, and her husband who gave me a ride. They had a lot of kids, so I was considering asking them if they'd take my baby. Mind you, nobody knew yet I was pregnant cuz I wasn't expecting the reaction I got from James, so I couldn't be happy and was worrying about what my next steps would be. That whole 5 hour trip with them I was quiet, I was trying to figure out how I'm going to bring it up to them of how I got pregnant, but the dad didn't want a baby and I didn't want to get rid of it. I didn't say anything. I thought I'd talk to my mum first and see what she would have to say. Next day I miscarried though. I was just over 2 mths. I was so sad. Makes me sad now and wondering wtf was I thinking for not leaving him for all these red flags he's been showing me.

I don't remember how the conversation with James went like. But we went back to our normal ways of living. Drinking and living irresponsibly. We soon moved out of our old townhouse in the industrial area, to a duplex in the inner city. I applied for school in the fall for a course I knew nothing about. But was excited for my future. I got in, got accepted for the funding and was set for Sept. Nothing really special happened that summer. It was the same stories: get drunk, blow our money and I started cheating on him with randoms. It was just a broken relationship.

In August, I don't remember what the reason for us breaking up was. But I went home for awhile, and he went back to his parents, they lived in another province at the time. I went back to get my stuff cuz I had to find my own place to start school. I went back, found my computer and stereo missing. It may not sound like a big deal, but to me, at the time it was heartbreaking. Next day, I packed my stuff and moved. I found a one bedroom apartment in a nicer neighborhood. I made it a home in one evening, thanks to my niece (she's the same age as me, so we're more like sisters). I had my very own place and was excited about school.

I still didn't have vehicle, so had to catch the bus to school and walked home most days. I realized the program wasn't what I was expecting. But I still went everyday. Until something happened that would change the course of my life. It was a weekend near the end of Sept, my twin brother was staying with me and our older half brother B was visiting us too. B and I drank that whole time. My twin hates it when we drink. I was an asshole back then, always wanting to fight or argue about anything and everything. I see now of how unhappy I was. But my twin wasn't a drinker, so I let him have my bedroom to sleep in so we can drink. We were on our second night of getting drunk and my brother raped me. Idk why or what he was thinking. We were best friends from all through high school until that night. I remember he was on my desktop, talking to like 3 random girls and I was asking him when he was going to smartnup and give me a sister-in-law. I don't remember this turned into an argument. I didn't even think he was that messed up. We got into a scuffle, I punched him and somehow he had me pinned, while I was on my stomach, took my pants off and did it. I screamed, I cried, but I was weak. At the time I couldn't believe this was actually happening, like how could he think any of this was okay? He was my brother and my best friend. He left, I locked my door, and locked myself in my bathroom. And what did I do? I called James instead of the cops. I didn't tell him what happened but I told him something bad happened and I wanted him to come home.

You're probably wondering why my twin didn't do anything or check wtf was happening. He didn't know, he thought we were just fighting, he thought it we were arguing when he heard me yelling. I didn't even tell him that next morning. When he asked where our brother was, I just said he left. He was devastated and blamed himself when he found out later. Cried to me apologizing, I told him it wasn't his fault. I never blamed him.

Anyways, James was back. I went to school but I was a zombie. I was not okay. I couldn't think of anything else but that night. I stopped going to school after the first week of Oct. And to make things worse, I found out I was pregnant again. This time, I didn't get the same reaction from James. He was excited until I reminded him of the possibility of the baby being from my brother. It was a really tough time for me. I contemplated having an abortion, scared my baby was from my brother for real. My mum was the one that talked me into keeping my baby. She told me no matter what that she'd help me with my baby. James was also being so supportive about this, which was a total 180 from his first reaction the pregnancy before. So, we stayed pregnant.

I had my babygirl June 12, 2010. I wasn't due until the 28th but this day, my cousin (who was my childhood best friend and "almost-to-be-brother") hung himself. I had talked to him the week before, made plans for when he came back to the city. I said maybe I'd have my baby by the time he got back and he'd come visit and give me my first drink lol. That morning, my sister, S, called me with the news. I couldn't breathe, and as soon as I hung up I was crying so hard, I couldn't even tell James what happened. I finally blurted it out and felt my first labour pain. It's not funny but when I tell this story I laugh cuz on our way to the hospital, I was swearing saying "fucken T**, I don't care about a fucken Jr, if we have a boy we're naming him T!" I had a girl though, hours later and she was the spitting image of James. She was his.

James and I didn't last very long being "happy". My daughter had to be a couple months old when we went to my parents place to visit. I left them to go drinking, I was gone for 2 days. Not proud of myself. I didn't cheat on him this time though lol. I was drinking with guys he never liked though, so I can see how upset he was. I went back and told him we can go home the next day. He said his cousin wanted a ride to the bar. I thought I'd let him since I was gone that whole time. I said I'd leave the door open for him. He didn't come back. For 2 days I didn't know where he was, and he had my apartment keys and csrseat so I couldn't just go home. (Oh yeah, he had a beat up old van now). Anyways, my friend Elaine told me he was at her mother-in-law's house with her little SIL. That fucken shooked me. In my egotistical mind, I can do so much wrong, but he could never do the same to me. Until then lol.

I left, got new keys. It was just me and my baby. He stayed with her for awhile until she said she was pregnant too. He denied, and still denies, that boy to this day. I stayed away, he and his parents would come get our girl for some weekends. It couldn't have been for long cuz our next daughter was born the next June on the 19th. But it was this one weekend he had our daughter. I was drunk on the phone talking to my sister S, and she told me she gotten back with her ex and made it seem okay if I wanted to take him back. So, I did. I told him he can come home when he brings her back. And I got pregnant right away. Stupid me. So much has happened that we weren't okay, especially when we'd drink. I had my 2nd daughter on Father's Day of 2011. And got pregnant again after that.

Now that next year, it went from bad to worse. Before I was due his step dad came to our house with all his little brothers and sisters. There was 6 of them, plus his dad, plus me, him and our daughter. All in a small two bedroom house. We moved twice since my apartment. But they drank, James, his dad, his oldest younger brother and his dad's friend. We all went to the bar to play pool, James got stupid drunk. When we left he was giving people in other vehicle's the middle finger. He was always angry and did stupid shit when he was blacked out. Anyways, we got back to my house and were bbqing. His dad's friend had a woman there too and the friends started arguing cuz I think his dad was hitting on that girl. I was supposed to give her a ride somewhere so I had my keys in my pocket. His dad ended up driving away with his friend and that girl. I was closing up our back gate when James come try hug me, I should've just hugged him cuz when I pushed him away, he seen I was holding my keys and tried to get them from me. I wasn't going to give him the keys cuz I knew how drunk he was. I ended up falling on the ground and he was on top of me screaming in my face of how I was a slut and this and that. Even got as rank as throwing around our bbq and chairs and kids toys everywhere. People walking by the alley were watching and called the cops.

This would be the first assault charge he got. I told the cops he didn't hit me, cuz this time he didn't. But they've arrested him anyways and he went to the calls for the night. He got that charge, along with a no contact order and was to stay away. He called his dad and he told me he's waiting at the end of the block in a parking lot in our vehicle. (He got the keys before he was arrested). I went, he was sorry... blah, blah, blah. He came home, even though he wasn't supposed to. I had our 3rd daughter July 7th of 2012.

He still wasn't supposed to be around, but the night before I went into labour, we got into an argument, idk about what. But he didn't come home. That morning I went into labour. I called his mom cuz I couldn't get ahold of him, and she found his at his grandma's. I was so mad at him. I was so close to putting myself in our tub and I was alone with our 2 n 1 year olds. But he showed up, packed the girls, and dropped me off at the hospital emergency. I got admitted at 1:56 and I had her at 2:08. That was so close.! I didn't have time to be sad or afraid cuz I was alone. But James was still not allowed to be there. Nurses knew that. So when he came to see her, I lied and said he was my cousin lol.

Now, we have 3 babies. I went straight to drinking. My baby wasn't even a week yet. Then again, life would change. My sister S was in the city drinking with her friend. They came over to check on me and my sister was seeing Alex. These next few weeks is a blur for me. I hardly stayed sober and James was always away cuz he couldn't be there and again I was involved with social services cuz his grandma knew how much I was drinking. This time it would be my fault. Alex and S would come over, even pitched a tent cuz his living situation was weird. He officially lived with a woman we'll call Laura. But he always claimed he just stayed there cuz he had nowhere to live. Whatever, wasn't my problem. We drank a lot though. Oh, at this time too my brother B showed up with our cousin, I told him I forgave him. He cried, whatever, we made up. Not as close as we were though. Anyways, S, her friend, Alex, B, our cousin and me were forever drinking. All taking turns taking care of my girls. At the time it was fun, and it didn't seem wrong. I found myself being alone with Alex when everybody else would be passed out, we got to know each other. Couldn't even deny there was feelings there between us. Then we eventually took it too far and started sleeping with each other. I suck for doing that to my sister. In my defense, they never said they were a couple, like he was living with another woman. But still, wtf man? Lol.

James showed up once with his mom. His mom raised hell with why I was drinking around them. Which never made sense to me, cuz it was okay if we were drinking with her. There were times where we'd be drinking together and she had no problem with my girl's being around, or her kids. Whatever though. They left. Idk why they didn't take my girl's. But one day, I was hungover, home alone with my girls. I asked my sister S if she had any money, what was her response? "Ask Alex". This time she knew we've slept together, he blurted it out when they were fighting. Dumbass. Anywhoo, I did. I thought he was just gonna buy me beer. He brought beer to drink with me lol. It was the middle of the day, we were out in my back yard with my kids. I was on my third or fourth and he was busy with my oldest, playing. The social worker shows up. He said he could stop drinking and take care of them, as he was only on his first, it didn't work, she took them. At this time, it didn't seem like a big deal cuz I'm still supposed to be with James and I knew they'd give them to him right away. All I did was text them to say the worker took them and they should go get them. And continued drinking with Alex.

I told worker the next day, I'll move out of my house if they can give my girls to their dad and they can stay at my house. This worked. I don't remember if he was still going to jail or not, I know he did plead guilty for assault, even though he didn't hit me when I was pregnant. But we still weren't supposed to be around each other so it was a complicated mess.

I stayed at his auntie's place sometimes, just to say I was living somewhere else. Got visits with my girls through social services, even though I was there at home most days. It went on like this until they closed my file, saying they were with the other parent so it was the matter of family court to figure it all out. But we did, we were still together. Only now I had reasons for not going home sometimes. I was still cheating, this time it was with Alex all the time. I was shady. But I knew James and I would never last.

When he was "in charge" of my girls, that was when the beatings got really bad. I'd get so black and blue and puffy but wouldn't call the cops cuz I wasn't even supposed to be around. So, he got away with it every time. Lived this way for a year. Now it would be 2013. I applied for school again, for a different program, got in, got my funding. We moved to another house our landlord got us cuz we needed more space. This time, we thought we were safe cuz social workers wouldn't know and shit like that. He was collecting welfare for him n the girls, I was still getting child tax and my funding on top of it. But would have been set for the year is we didn't drink and just be together. That was always a conversation but would never happen. Cuz sometimes I did think I loved him. But like I said, I always knew we'd never last.

I went to school, he stayed home with the girls. He was such a piece of shit though. My school was only 6 blocks away, so I'd always go home to check on our kids at lunch. He'd always be asleep and my girls would be locked in their room still. I fucken hated that. He'd stay up all night, playing his stupid games and would sleep before I got up for school. I'd let them out, wake him up and go back to school. Sometimes I'd come home after 330 and he'd still be asleep and our kids would be starving. That was so frustrating. I hated him for that. He just wasn't supportive.

The long weekend in Nov, he took me to the next city to see my parents. They were there at the casino, I thought I'd go visit for the weekend, but for some reason my mum told me just to go home cuz it wouldn't be a long visit. Whatever, I went back. I bought drinks though, and made plans with my cousin down the alley that I'd get dropped off there. James didn't like it, but dropped me off anyways. That whole weekend,again, was a blur. I was drunk the whole time. Had blackouts for most of it. Then it would be Sunday night. I came out of my blackout running down my stairs, in my house, trying to get away from James. Went to my bedroom, locked it, threw myself on my bed and felt the bruises on my face and tasted the blood. He kicked the door open, grabbed me by my hair and threw me on the floor and tried hog tieing me while pinning me down with his steel toe boots. Luckily for me, his cell rang. Idk who it was but he got distracted, I ran upstairs to the bathroom, looked at my face, grabbed a jacket and ran out the door barefooted. I went to the house I was at, banged on the door, my friend seen me and I went lock myself in the bathroom. She called the cops.

Luckily for my girls, they were asleep and James' little brother was at the house cuz he was visiting for the weekend. So, he was watching them for the night when the cops went arrest him. I went to the hospital and got stitches on my upper lip and forehead. Cops then took me to the detachment for pictures. Then, home to sleep. Now, I don't remember getting beaten that bad, just running from him. But I knew it was him, he did it before. That would be the last time I've seen James for 5 years.

Doctor wrote me a note to take a week off of school so I can heal. Now, I was alone with my girls, still trying to go to school with my sister S who was supposed to be my babysitter. She was unreliable though. She drank, which caused me to miss school. I didn't drink for a month. I knew that social services would be called on me cuz that's how his family was. Sure enough, I got 3 random visits from workers. Third time they told me they had no choice to open a file. By the second week of December I had no choice but to quit school, I feel too far behind and missed too many days. That was harsh, especially how well I was doing with my marks. One weekend,my cousin and friend were over and we were going to go out. My cousin's teenage daughter was upstairs and we were downstairs in my room getting ready. We had a 12 of beer, I was on my 2nd when the worker showed up. She didn't care I had a sitter and we were leaving. Sucky thing was our cab showed up right after her. It was all bad timing. My girl's were 3, 2, and 1. They were so happy to be going "bye-bye" and excited to be putting on their winter stuff. I was holding back tears getting them dressed cuz I knew they'd end up with James and it would be hard to reason with him after this. I was right. I never seen them again for 5 years after that.

That was the middle of December. I now have no school, no kids, and no way to pay my 1400 a month the rent was after that month. So, I stayed drunk. I decided to give my house to my cousin, who was trying to get her younger kids back and needed a house. I told her she can have everything but keep my sentimental shit until I come back and get them. I didn't go home for Christmas, I was alone that time. It was so depressing.

After James had beat me and by the time I was out of school and my girls were gone, Alex msged me. I guess my sister S told him all that happened and was upset. We've spoken to each other through the year, here and there. Always telling each other we think of each other. So, he's never lost those feelings, and I've always liked him too. But I my first thought wasn't to tell him about all the shit that just went down, like, why would I? Lol. After Christmas he said he had to come to the city and look at a truck to buy. (After that summer/winter of fooling around he bought a place 5 hrs away to get away from Laura. Which is his fucked up story on his own cuz she did end up moving herself into the old building he bought.)

Anyways, it was December 27th and he was on his way. I had my little half-sister visiting and my cousin, who was gonna take over my house at my place at the time. Cousin was sleeping in the downstairs bedroom, while I was panicking to my sister about Alex coming. We were always drunk or about to get drunk when we hung out, this time I was sober waiting for him to bring the beer lol. I almost told him change of plans about him coming to my house. I was super nervous. All my sister said was to calm the hell down and just say hi and talk to him, she's never seen me that way before but I was freaking out. He showed up, and I'd learn after we got drunk that he was freaking out too before walking up lol.

This day would change my life's course too, I just didn't know it yet. But we spent the night together. He had to go home, which he still had Laura there. But she was told to pack up her shit and leave cuz they weren't really together at that time. I'll get into all of that later.

This was a super long post. I'm sure I've left a lot of parts out of all those years. Will go back if needed. But that's mostly what had happened between James and I. I guess, anyways.

Now I'm about to leave my home city of 6 hard years. Not knowing what my future looks like. Next post will be about me and Alex. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Cuz it wasn't a very "happily ever after".

Thanks for reading, hope it made sense. I don't want to read it lol. Until next time. ✌

[groupie-inspired]

Thoughts about love & the past

It’s late and I’m just like thinking about old shit

And about how like, the closest I ever came to being in a relationship was with this girl like from 7th grade-summer before freshman year.

Like idk it was kind of weird I still don’t fully even know what it was about... like she made me mixtapes. I was so in love with her too, I don’t even know if she knew about it until the very end, or maybe we just like didn’t talk about it because we couldn’t really. She gave me her Starbucks frappuccino at my birthday party before we went to the movies, and even though I’m fucking afraid of germs, I didn’t care because it was her. She would practice guitar while we face timed and she would keep playing smoke on the water and I would have to hang up because it like, drove me insane. She said she thought she was bi once and I was like... okay... and she was like...idk. And the thing too is like, we would talk about shit (cough cough) that maybe friends don’t always talk about. 

She was the first person who I knew who really cared about bands and shit, for her it was one direction and 5SOS and I didn’t get it because I hated 1D and 5SOS. She had a breakdown when 1D broke up. She would get to the 5SOS concerts around soundcheck, and she told me she’d get there when the groupies got there. I didn’t even know what that was, at that point. I don’t think she liked them much. One time I cried because I felt like I didn’t deserve her. She bought me a picture I still have on a shelf in my room, of Times Square. I bought her so much shit for Christmas, because I was like obsessed with her, and she got me a pandora bracelet. One time a rumor started that she was a lesbian and it was so stupid. I took pictures of her in the snow outside an ice skating rink. She taught me how to download music illegally, but I was too scared to do something “bad”. She gave me a yin/yang bracelet from Costco or something and even though it broke I couldn’t part with it, and kept it in my desk drawer.

But towards the end she started ignoring me and shit and that sent me into a tailspin and I was like. What is even going on? And she was like, I think I’m depressed. And I was like yeah but so am I and I don’t ignore you (because I couldn’t). And then at one point I was sitting in the car in a Boston Market parking lot and she called me and started talking about a guy she was interested in or whatever and I was just like. Oh, okay. Because that hadn’t really been a thing prior to that, like neither of us really did that shit that much. She came to my 14th birthday party and didn’t even fuckin get me anything, but she lied about it first. There was a lot of shit that wasn’t the greatest in our friendship or whatever it was, because I thought she was so much better than me and she stayed with the same people who made me feel that way for years. She would say that I was special to her but it didn’t always feel that way.

Anyway, things ended on bad terms, I cut her off. She messaged me months later to see how I was doing, and I was an asshole. Because I couldn’t take it, you know, and I wasn’t doing good. I’ve never felt love like that for anyone else since her. Even the smell of her laundry detergent calmed me, it was like she couldn’t do anything wrong in my eyes. Like people always talk about first loves, and usually they happen for people in high school or something, but I maintain that mine was then. Because it’s never been the same, for some reason. And I’m really fucking picky in general, the only other person I like, kind of liked was this guitarist I met in at an acting class in Manhattan. He seemed like a confused n wishy washy dude. Wasn’t clear about shit. That was just like a fuckin blip, nothing came of it after three months. Lowkey, I think I was trying to replace her or something. I think she’s where my preference for artsy people comes from, and I guess because I’m also an artsy person. It’s weird how we don’t recognize people shaping us until after it’s happened. I remember dancing to Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles at her grandma’s appartment. I mean, she opened me up to a lot of music I hadn’t really heard before, and I remember adults were always telling me I should sing because I was good at it. But at the time I didn’t have any of that confidence. I think she expanded my mind but then we started to hold each other back.

I don’t think about it too often. Or I guess I don’t look back fondly. Mostly, I’m kind of worried that people will leave me like she did, and I don’t want to feel that deeply again because it hurts really bad when someone leaves you like that. I never belonged anywhere and I wasn’t even sure I belonged with her but it felt like it worked sometimes.

And now I’m in a place where like, people my age infuriate me.

I’ve had like, other “blips” I guess, aside from the guitarist but they weren’t really anything. Like this girl from my religion class would like always say “hi” to me and shit, and she would like be like idk, different?? She was really pretty but she had a boyfriend and he was like, the most basic person ever. But who am I to judge that, I guess. The only guy who’s ever consistently been in my life is this friend of mine who I’ve known for like 12 years, but I would never be with him romantically because it isn’t like that. He can be a chronic mansplainer. He’s the type who, like two weeks ago, when I tried to tell him about this guy I wasn’t sure about just went: “NO. Stop, Lena, you’re making a mistake! Don’t do it! I swear to god, you better not! You’re so self destructive.” I tolerate him though because he’s basically my brother, at this point. He reminds me of my dad, honestly, only I guess he can be more reliable in some ways. I’ve got a few close friends besides him, but everyone else is an acquaintance I keep at arms length. I feel like I have acquaintances I don’t even fuckin know about, cause people will say hi to me in the hall and I have no idea who they are. When I was in middle school, no guys liked me because I was fat and politically conscious.

And also, I’m generally kind of “out there”, I guess. A guy I saw at a party recently said he thought I was weird when he was in 7th grade & I was in 8th, but then he realized that he’s weird too. I went to volunteering yesterday, and this girl I talk to was like, “How’s it going?” and I was like “OOF I have so much to talk about!” and she was kind of like “LMAO, you? I’m shocked.” Because if I like you as a person, I never shut the fuck up. But if I don’t like you, I seem like I never speak.

Existing is weird, and I kind of don’t know how I feel about it cause it’s been really difficult for me thus far. Things might be getting better, but I have no idea. I just don’t wanna waste my time anymore on people who don’t get me, or who are potentially only trying to fuck me or something. Because I don’t allow that shit, that’s not who I am, despite the fact that I’m not a prude. If it’s going to be like that, I’m the person who’s going to decide it’s going to be like that. Not anybody else. And also, people act like I’m frigid or something because I have a rule about Republicans. I will never date a fucking Republican. A conservative wouldn’t even like me either, because few things about me as a person align with those ideals. Even if it’s just an acquaintance situation, there’s always extra distance between me and any given Republican, so I can look at them disdainfully in APUSH when they say something about “a decline in morality”.

Which is like, a lot of this shit is probably why I don’t get dates or anything, but I’m still a really friendly and nice person. I always want people who are being excluded to feel included, because I know what that feels like, I don’t give a shit if they’re annoying.

I’ve had like other weird things where like I was never sure or like still am not sure about what’s going on. There’s this bassist who goes to my school and last year we walked to the bus together a couple times and discussed our mutual disdain of nazis. There’s this other guy who would like pat me on the back and shit, and one time I didn’t know he was behind me and got scared, but I don’t see him as often anymore cause we don’t really have classes together. This kid who’s obsessed with like anime and shit wanted to be around me all the time last year, and then I started avoiding him because I had morning classes and had to get stuff done, but then he sat with me again recently and I was like... I don’t know what to do. The weird part is, all three of these guys have the same FUCKING NAME. I don’t wanna say what it is but they deadass all have the same fucking name. I truly don’t understand how that happened.

My life is kind of empty right now as it is. My psychiatrist, who I unfortunately hate, says that maybe I don’t get dates cause I’m not open enough. And I’m like one, I barely care. Two, I have shit to do. Three, no adults in my life would approve of the people who do like me. What am I supposed to do, put a sign on my back or some shit? God I swear she says some really dumb shit sometimes and I try to be respectful but she can never remember anything about me and it drives me crazy. She always asks me so many questions, and I have a hard time answering questions. But I gotta keep her around because my therapist only has certain permissions. Also, I mentioned being bi once, and she said some bs about Freud and how I would eventually pick, and then asked about my “”thoughts”” and I was like LMAO nope. My true nature is to be a romantic but my life experiences gave me trust issues n shit. Sometimes my therapist will say I have to deal with the past if I want to be comfortable with having a relationship or something, and I tried it for a few weeks, but it made me feel awful so I stopped it. Now I just push it to the back of my mind cause it’s easier that way, and I more so wait for shit to come to me rather than me going to anyone else. But, ultimately, I think I could be a fun person to be around I guess.

[rastacutie]

Trust is bull shit

About 3, 31/2 years ago I met this man. I know you’re thinking oh another stupid hurt boyfriend posts but this is crazy and my mind can’t decide what to do. This is now a legal problem I have no idea. I didn’t want this to ever get out of hand.

I met this man. I knew him for about 5 years from his mother who tried really hard to hook us up even though he was on Texas. (I was friends with him mom for a long time through an old friend) anyways he wound up moving here because he got a random call in the morning from his ex bitch of a waste of life saying she had no idea she was pregnant since Kenna was sitting in a weird way and she “didn’t think about it” she knew. She told her best friend and one guy she was cheating on and he took off to another town. Shocking because she looks just like him. Anyways she swore up and down it was his even though it was clear it wasn’t. But no one would man up to be there for this little girl and if he didn’t take care of her, her life would be terrible. About 4 months of trying to make it work she admitted that she slept with about 4 other people including his brother so it could be anyone. Then she left told him to figure it out because she didn’t want Kenna at all in the first place. And then HOOKED UP WITH HIS BROTHER!!! AND HAD A KID! Kenna has a fucking sister cousin in Texas she doesn’t even know about because the mother has hardly any rights and gives them up every year not even a birthday call. He left that crazy ass shit and came to Oregon where his god mother is. (Our mutual friend) but Kenna after a while I was the one she chose to call mommy because I’ve always been Irie. I could go on with this story but I’ll move on.

He heard that and knew I was the one so he purposes and I say yes. I was so excited my family loved him, they loved Kenna, we were looked at like the Joneses. He even told my dad he’ll never have to worry. That I’ll always be taken care of no matter what. That’s why my dad gave him the blessing.

He promised...

In between that he went through many jobs, always gone, found an unanswered women’s shirt in the laundry (even Kenna said it wasn’t mine) he tried to blame it on everything else but I was reading his texts looking at it all and I knew there was something more with his boss. All he would do is swear nothing happened try being extremely over the top defensive. Said it was his Mom’s (a rich women who doesn’t wear crap cloths. Um and she’s in fucking Texas why would it show up out of no where when I’m washing his cloths!!!???) anyways it was constant fighting between the both of us very aggressive love and we thinning, sex was become more less everytime I saw him. I knew. I didn’t need his confession I knew. At that point though I was pregnant with our child! One we tried really hard to get. I was so heart broken. And you would think he would understand. Well we kept trying and trying but it was just constant fighting and when it was fighting it was bad. Both of my winter jackets torn. (I live in bend fucking Oregon it gets below zero and I still have nothing warm to wear.) things were just getting out of hand even quitting and trying all these different gigs that just didn’t work out.

He did finally get a home gig but he was gone working all night and sleeping all day. I lost 3 days of sleep with the baby all night and the (at the time) 3 year old. I was wearing thin and with how bad my anxiety and depression was it was really wearing on me. But that didn’t matter. He would pretend to help once in a while but that was just giving candy out and ignoring the baby because the 3 year old is ALWAYS more important. This poor baby has only had real attention and love from me and who I call my mom (grandma Jess). It hurts my heart. She’ll always be our second. It’s fucked up. The fights got worse. Things were being packed and thrown by the door. His mom instigated almost all our fights because she now hates me. We hate each other. She’s wronged me in so many evil horrible ways I couldn’t even go there.

One morning I was spread very thin. The 3 year old wouldn’t eat the baby I was trying to get ready. Everyone had ate and gotten ready except for me. (Course mom is ALWAYS last) and I have my fiancé acting like a 15 year old while I’m fighting with the 3 year old to stop throwing fits and whining it’s rude and she had been doing it all morning. My anxiety kicked in and went nuts when he says “why aren’t you ready? I thought we were getting Dutch bros” I flipped my switch and exploded. I said “because I’ve had to make breakfast, get the kids ready, clean, now I’m changing a diaper and you’re not even helping at my struggle. So I said I was going to remove myself from the situation and go get ready. I haven’t even had time for a damn bowl of cereal! So I’ll do what you say and get ready! I walked into the bathroom and started to get ready. He must have felt a little bad because he then bring me a bowl of cereal I’m thinking “how am I suppose to even have time to eat that?” So I kept getting ready. Noticing that my legs were hairy on a hot day I was bummed and drew a bath so I could shave really fast. I couldn’t hear anything.

Normally my 3 year old either walks in or knocks or does something when she has to pee so I know. I never heard anything and continue to get ready. I was taking off my cloths to get into the bath and hurry so I latched the door. All of a sudden I have him with a pissed off face saying he’s done with my attitude that morning and was done. He told me 1 time to get out I said no I’m doing what you asked which is to get ready she can pee I’m the one that potty trained her. 2nd time he says to get out I say no this is my bathroom I can get ready if I want too. 3rd time he lost it and picked me up by my arms and threw me in the hallway. Closing the door so the 3 year old doesn’t see anything else.

He went into this trance that wasn’t him. No words were said I was pushing him off me ripping his shirt and telling him to stop. He kept flipping out and throwing me around till he threw me in the middle between our room door way and the hall again. Then got on top and strangled me. I have asthma so that short breath came earlier then most and I was fighting and my legs were giving out I was sure this was it. I have never felt more terrified in my life. The feeling still comes back once in a while just the feel of it. Once I went limp he got off and freaked out about what he had just done. Pacing back and forth staying please don’t call please think about what you’re doing. I said I am. You need help. And I called 911. Already I had terrible bruises that quickly. The man I thought loved me and would never hurt me like that did. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I felt heart broken I felt played I felt so little. Scared. Lost. Lonely. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to get over it. Those beautiful blue eyes that my daughter has burns in my eye lids. The feeling of the pressure on my throat I thought I would never forgive him. I had to move out of MY home I got MY self and had to leave according to DHS for safety, my step daughter was taken to Texas to be with his mother the one that hates me. They brain washed her, well tried she is smart and calls people’s bull shit out so she knew what they were saying was wrong. They would tell her I’m her fucking step mother. I have been her mom almost since day 1. I never had my heart break. She said it twice in front of her friend. And she was molested by her cousin and her grandma did nothing. Kept it a secret. I couldn’t believe all this.

At the same time I’m dealing with my fiancé trying to give him a chance to speak since he was broken admitted his wrongs, did his time, wrote me letters while he was in there (that she kept from me his mother) and he’s begging on his knees he’ll do anything for me and our family to be fixed. He couldn’t believe how it got that bad and he cried for days. Sleeping in his car but paying to make sure we can pay rent to have a roof over our heads especially with the 3 year old coming home. He even wanted to kill himself because he felt so guilty. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because god damn me I love the fucker so much I could never explain. I mean come on I would never have kids but we had a planned child together. I love him to the point where love has me blinded I keep hoping as well that we can repair our family. He would blow up my phone if I was even slightly upset he wanted me and us back more then life. I tried.

He then cheats on me with two of his co-workers. He claims he never had sex but to read on his work phone how one says things like honey, sweetheart, and says I have to talk to you about something but I can’t tell you on the work phone. She shows up at the fair and he claims he had no idea she hits him up after and they both blame me and my insecurities. Shortly after I read another text on his work phone saying “I wanna do dirty nasty things to you” and the girl says “oh yeah ;) show me. Then it skipped to something else. Her meeting him for lunch and all this shit. I beat the crap out of him. She was constantly reaching out to me telling me shit that at first crushed me but then I saw she was lying hard core just to get under my skin. She wouldn’t even leave me alone after all the shit went down and he was on his knees crying and pleading again saying the reason he did it was only because I questioned if he loved me and he thought that was it. I told him it gives him no right to be sexting this women. Both were also in a relationship! My dumb ass still tried to keep our relationship going for our girls pretty much at this point because we as lovers changed. He claims it never stopped for him. My trust is gone. One second I love him the next I hate him with a burning passion. Idk what’s worse at this point.

It’s now been like 4 months and with his guilty Conscience and my insecurities now it’s also caused a lot of issues. I just can’t trust him even though we constantly talk. We love each other and want to fix this. He took upon himself to get into these classes that help with anger and parenting. I’m trying to give him that 3rd and last chance but I feel like so much has changed In our relationship it feels like that awkward first date but not in a good way. No hand holding, no leg touching. Yeah sex but I want more emotional insite love. He’ll do extremely nice gestures but it doesn’t feel emotionally the same. I tried to tell him that and he had to wrap his head around it assumed it would be better to split and wouldn’t call me or talk to me all day. It’s so easy now to disregard my emotions and his only matter. He didn’t even get the point. I don’t understood I want my family and my life back. But I woke up terrified again for the first time since June 4th 2018. The worst year of my life. He says things that would make you feel like he’s Prince Charming and everything will be okay. How much he loves me and needs me but flips a switch and it’s always my fault. I’m not sure how much more I can take. My heart has been through the fucking wringer and all I wanna do is cry. I wake up at 5:30am every morning crying because I miss him for 15/20 mins then fall back asleep. How could I love someone who’s wronged me so badly? I have NO idea..... 💔

[fandomfriendly]

I want to be all diary like rn

so like I could just make a note of whatever I’m bout to say but I want it like live forever and i know literally no one on this damn site cares about what i have to say so here I am lol..

I’ve been in this weird pit of overwhelming emotions accompanied by the incapability of processing them for the past few years. It took me so much time to even realize I had such a problem with allowing myself to be a regular fuckin human and initially when I first started seeing the signs of how mentally unhealthily I was living I didn’t know what the fuck to do and abruptly cut off pretty much everything and everyone I loved. I became a fucking hermit. I kept telling myself I was doing it for the better, that I cut everything off and am gonna take my time to heal and grow as a person and when I feel better i will try to rekindle with everything and whatever doesn’t work, just wasn’t meant to be. Which is a mentally unhealthy thing to do in the first place and potentially not only harmed myself but those around me but life’s a fuckin cycle of realizing shit so,,,

Anyways I went through some hella hard times filled with anxiety and depression, literally every day was either full of tears and feeling every emotion at once or was empty and ghost like. But I pushed through it. I learned a lot about my self and how my mind works. I grew as a person and still am. I’m not sharpest in a lot of ways but i know I just want to be a kind and accepting person, not that I wasn’t all those years ago, it’s just that back then I couldn’t present myself as such as I didn’t even have the fucking motivation to live. I mean I like to think I was kind in others eyes but I also fucking hate thinking about what others might think me so again,,, lol. I just know now that I’m trying to be a better person, and I’m trying to learn more and do more this year than I have in the past four years.

I’m writing this now because I’m in a really good state of mind. This month alone I’ve had conversations I never thought I would with people that are so close to me yet knew so little about. That sounds so cryptic lmao. Basically i spoke with my closest family members about struggles mentally and the past and how emotionally traumatizing it was for them and in turn I allowed myself to open up about the exact same thing. A specific convo was with my mom, a woman who has been through hell and back. She told me about past abuse, most of which I was there to witness and we have talked about before, but this time it was different because we spoke as equals. I’m gonna be honest I didn’t open up as much as I could have but it felt like I finally walked over a hill I was dreading for so long. I used to just be a good fake and slap a smile on in difficult time probably not fooling anyone. It’s always been a problem opening up to my family and friends but send me a stranger and I’ll talk their ear off.. well sorta, so like in high school i saw a grief counselor who i guess was technically my therapist but she was a total stranger and the second she asked what I even need to see her for, I broke down. I swear she said like two sentences but I rashly explained all the shit i was dealing with in between fits of tears. At the second meeting I felt like she knew my whole life but somehow I still had more to say?? I literally don’t know how I was so comfortable sharing all that with a stranger so fast like I get it’s her profession and I would’ve opened up eventually and that it could’ve clicked in the back of my mind like ‘why waste time just tell her everything now!’ But idk I think if I were to talk with a stranger that is willing to listen, I would legit do the same thing.. idk.

Anyways, opening up in the slightest bit feels like a major accomplishment. And the fact that i could with my mom who, god bless her, did so much that was seemingly unhealthy and careless to others but meant the world to me, felt amazing. There’s that thing about high school being the time of your life and living it up- a pre show of college which I wasn’t really expecting to be true in the first place but what I didn’t expect was to be emotionally unstable dealing with anxiety, depression, self hatred and grief. So when all this shit hit me like a truck, I was left feeling numb not wanting to do anything with little to no interest in any previous hobbies and likings. I grew up feeling said things^ but didn’t realize until hs how worse it got over time. In the midst of all of that I didn’t know what to do and was having frequent anxiety attacks and even though I couldn’t explain it at all, my mom had a sort of understanding and allowed me to stay home like every damn day. Like I said wasn’t the greatest thing to do but it helped in its own way. In the first years of hs my relationship with my mom was rocky but towards the end she screwed her head on and became more mama bird then ever. We bonded and it felt much better, almost like we rekindled after a long time. Which is kinda true.

Another thing I realized in the past four years was how normalized death was to me growing up. Like by the time I was eight I went through at least six funerals which to my Catholic Mexican/Filipino family meant six mortuary family reunions, six forty day prayers full of greeting mama and papas, being one of the only children to not be playing in the backyard but rather doing the rosary with the adults and what my fam called the ‘Filipino golden girls’ singing walk with thee. Not to mention the other annual prayers with said golden girls where we had a Jesus of Nazareth statue that traveled from the Philippines for a whole week and just prayed for mercy and the souls of our dearly deceased. Like this was the norm for me.. but ALL of that did not prepare me for the deaths of two of the most important people to me. I mean I guess it did because after one of the passings, after a ton of tears and goodbyes in a hospital room, I got in the car and on the way home and immediately thought about where the nice tablecloth was and the saint statues and how to move the table we used as an alter at the previous prayers. So yeah I was prepared but not for the emotions.

Back to why I’m writing this now, i just feel happy??? Idk why this past week was a rollercoaster but overall I felt happy,,,, idk. Imma elaborate..(holy shit I said I could talk the ear off a stranger and look at me spilling hella shit about me rn to the three strangers who’ll see this and scroll right past lmao.) So hmmm, there was a party hosted at my house recently and I was hella excited, I felt like I looked great and was ready to party but as all other times when there’s a gathering of any sort at my house, this weird overwhlelming feeling pops up and fucks everything up. It’s basically a fucking anxiety attack but soooo much weirder than the ones I dealt with in school. I mean they’re both basically the same but these ones felt worse. Because not being able to leave my room for school full of kids I barely knew and not being able to leave my room for a patio full of family and friends that I’m mostly close too should not result in the same form of anxiety. Idk tho it’s all in my sick brain!! but yeah that shit sucked I stayed in my room the whole night, hungry and sober which were two of the things I was absolutely not supposed to be!! There were tacos, &(oops) my fave tequila, good music and fun things planned but that didn’t stop my sick brain from telling me nO. And another thing in this glorious month is —Father’s Day. liSTEN I’m hella damaged nd am not trying to get into ALL of this but to keep it short, my dad who wasn’t in my life until I was one and only very briefly until I was thirteen which also turned out to be very briefly until I was eighteen which you guessed, was also very briefly, just isn’t a good dad. i have a half sibling who I feel so bad for because her parents are literal idiots that just shouldn’t have had kids because they can barely take care of themselves. But the very brief moment when I was eighteen was because of said halfsibling that I was worried for but as of now that family is it’s own and I’m nowhere near it nor do I want to be. But really I wasn’t struggling with my own dad issues this time around but rather my grandpa. It’s just that i know Father’s Day is hard for him because he lost my grandma who gave him his babygirl, my momma. And I didn’t push any emotional induced conversation at all. But as we ate dinner the conversation was about how well he used to get paid as a server waaaay back when and that he’d have stacks in his pocket lmao we were like yeh okay as a waiter all right,, and he sorta slipped up and said, “No really! Ask Mama!” And I’m pretty sure only me and my brother in law heard because he moved on really quickly and there were side convos happening but like a wave of emotions came over me. I teared up the second I heard him say her name because it just reminded me more about how hard this day must be for him. And my throat is swelling up jus typing about it rn so I’m not gonna get eVEN more into it.

But yeah overall June has been okay. I have felt okay. And after months of not going on here I just thought “why not type about this?? This content feelin is all I crave and have been longing for and whenever I get it, in even the slightest, it should be appreciated and remembered.”

Whoop so like what’s some good things that happened in the last few months. Hmmm

Well I’m just finally acting, in the tiniest way ever, as an adult. I didn’t take grip of my life yet but like I took A STEP!!

I’ve got new things I like and am more open than ever to new things.

I’ve got hobbies!! I’m growing mint and wanna start and herb garden. I’m reading and learning a new language that I’ll probably never use but I’m learning it for fun and not for a grade or something and am taking my time with it. And a new language brings so much more!! More people, music, shows and writing!! I mean I’m at a hella basic level but all of those things are helping me.

I’ve thought about reigniting old flames lmao that sounds like getting intouch with old lovers but no. I mean creatively. In the past three years I barely even thought about drawing and in the past few months I found myself thinking about things I could draw up and cool ways to mix medias. I actually looked for my sketchbook and was gonna test it out but I saw some of my old work and got nostalgic and was almost putting myself in my shoes from that year and like that didn’t sit well so I haven’t tried. bUT at least I’m thinking about it again. I really think imma start again soon and just the thought of that makes me happy!!

I took up writing and the result is exactly what I thought,,, I suck at writing lmao but I tried and it was fun and it led me to find some writers online that made me cry over some fictional characters. some were fan fiction and??? A writer no less.. which really doesn’t need to be explained more especially on this site lol

I’m getting healthier. Not that I was suuuuper bad before but it was good either. I did have some horrible eating and sleep habits. I swear I was addicted to food like I ate to fill a void in me idk but l changed that shit real quick. And as for sleep,, well it’s still shit. Considering I started typing this at nearly six am nowhere near tired. Lately I’ve been falling asleep around 6:30am which indeed results in my waking up at noon or past it even but it’ll surely go back to the usual 2:30 to 10:30am schedule. Not too bad...

I’m dressing up again! I don’t go anywhere but catch me looking cute in a fit at home or 7-11. lol I used to be hella into getting dolled up for school and used to play around with hair cuts and colors and different makeup but then suddenly it was like mAYbe I’ll do my eyebrows today and rather than choosing good outfits I would wake up and change from my actual pjs to my outside pjs, loungewear, if you will.

Idk man i just am okay right now and that’s enough to keep me going. I haven’t had a really low point for a few months now and like I said I don’t get this content feeling very often so I’m just really soaking it all up. It’s good, I’m good.. 2018 is fucking flying and I didn’t think I’d get into new things this year but I did and I’m exited for more!!

[smittenbyschmidt]

11 Questions Tag:

I had originally tagged @trashyforkpop when I did this just the other day, but then she retagged me in her’s to answer her 11 questions!! So, that’s what I’m doing! Thank you, lovely!! 💗

I’m not gonna tag anyone or ask any new questions haha, but yeah here it is!! :)

I’m putting this under “keep reading” because it ended up a lot longer than I thought it would be, haha.

EDIT: i went to edit something on this and accidentally deleted it, so i’m reposting it lmao. good thing I had originally written it out in my notes on my laptop lmao.... deep sigh haha.

1. What is the worst thing you’ve ever done?: Lol, I am lowkey such a goodie-two-shoes??? I honestly can’t think of anything really bad that I’ve done besides maybe lie to someone to get out having to do something (but it would be like??? lying to not hang out or go somewhere I don’t feel like going). lmao

2. Tell me about your day: My day was pretty good! I had a job interview this morning, and I pretty much got the job but I’m gonna be starting off doing some different jobs before I work my way up to the supervisor position I had originally applied for. So, I’ll be working at a Nursing Home/Rehabilitation facility pretty soon!! Today has been really rainy and wet and gross out, so after I got back from my interview, I chilled for a bit. Then, my mom and I met my uncle and grandmother at a farm to go and buy plants to put in our backyard garden (which was kinda gross because again… it’s pouring outside, but everything was in green houses, which was nice). I had a yummy lunch that I made (it was kinda like homemade ramen, but i used rice noodles instead because I’m on a gluten free diet right now). Now, I’m chilling again, and cleaning up around the house, before my mom and I go out to dinner later tonight with my mom’s best friend. All in all, a pretty good day so far! :)

3. What is something about yourself you wish others appreciated about you more?: My ability to problem solve and think on my feet. (sometimes, I feel like people don’t listen to my suggestions?? even though they end up doing what I was going to say/did say in the end??). *insert dramatic eye rolls here*

4.  What languages can you speak?: Unfortunately, only english, fluently. I can speak a bit of Spanish, but only really enough to kind of converse. I’d love to learn more languages though! (Side note: my brother is amazing at languages, he’s a linguistics major in college right now, and has taught himself a lot of languages, so I’m kinda jealous about that).

5. Some of your favorite emojis even if they’re not commonly used: 💫🌷🤧🆗🆒⭐️🌙🤗🤷🏻‍♀️🗣 and my favorite emoji: 💖

6. A misconception you had about kpop (for example I used to think that got7′s JinYoung was an asshole cause of all the fancams where he rejected fans love but in reality he’s the softest bean): I don’t really know? I guess, for me, first impressions are pretty strong and if I see a member that seems to be kind of “cold” or “serious” with their outside appearance during performances or in interviews, I kind of think that that’s how they are. At least until I learn more about them and realize that they are all serious softies that deserve the world. :( (specifically Yongguk, Yoongi, Taeyong, and probably a bunch more hahah).

7.  Any song recommendations?: I’m gonna go down the non-kpop route, because… well, Idk why but yeah.

“Easy” by Mac Ayres

“LY4L” by Katelyn Tarver (actually, anything by Katelyn Tarver ahah: but especially “Love Me Again”, “Hate to Tell You”, “A Little More Free”, “It’s Good” & “Love Alone”)

Literally anything by LANY (they are my favorite band), but specifically: “4EVER!”, “Someone Else”, “ILYSB” (and the acoustic vers. omg), “yea, babe, no way”, “pink skies” (!!!!!!!!!!), “like you lots”, “it was love”, ect.

“Four Walls” by Broods

“Never Be Like You” by Flume

“Drive” by Glades

“Start of Time” by Gabrielle Aplin

((probs more but that’s all i can think of right now lol))

8. Brag about yourself: (I’m deadass gonna grade you like a teacher so the more the better) lol ok this is gonna be kinda awkward because I don’t really like to brag about myself???? but, here we go I guess. I am an incredibly organized and put together person. I am honestly know as the organization queen in my family, because I can literally take anything that may be messy (a closet, a room, a cabinet, a purse, files, anything tbh) and organize it. I also really enjoy organizing, so that makes it even better to me haha. I am a very patient person (tbh I’m not sure who I got it from because my mom can be so impatient lmao, and so can my dad), so I take a lot of pride in that fact? I have always been really great a bullshitting essays? Like, I can write a pretty solid essay on topics i’m not event too familiar with in a short amount of time, and get a really great grade on it. I’m also really great at writing long papers (or papers that have to have a certain number or pages or words minimum). Like, if a professor gave an assignment where we had to write a paper that had to be at least 3-4 pages long, my essay would end up being at least 7 pages (and I almost always did really well on those papers lol). Besides the fact that I may begin working in a nursing home/rehabilitation center in the diet department, I also volunteer at my local hospital. I work under one of the RD’s in the oncology department, and I have been creating handouts for cancer patients that explain the different nutrition considerations that would benefit specific types of cancers. (Like, I just completed a handout that’s made for patients with brain tumors). Umm, I’m not really one to brag about my outer appearance, but I do think I have a great style?? Like, I really love the way that I dress on a day to day basis, and though I may sometimes dress like a grandma, I’m really proud of the cute, young adult but still 22 year old, style that i have?? idk. I also really like my hair and my eyebrows?? Like, I’m super happy with my eyebrows lmao, I take a lot of pride in them??? I also think I’m a really great listener, and I take a lot of pride in being someone that people can talk to, and I always try to give my undivided attention. I also try to give the best advice that I can (I’m not the best at it, but I really try my best to help). I am also really sarcastic and kinda witty (and I can be quite funny once you get to know me), and I really like that about myself. idk, is that enough annah????

9. Do you have any “useless” knowledge?: (pls share an “useless” fact) Did you know that strawberries and raspberries aren’t actually berries, but banana’s technically are?? Strawberries and raspberries both derive from single flowers that have more than one ovary, but a true berry would derive from a single flower that has only one ovary. Technically, bananas derive from a flower with only one ovary, making them berries. Eggplants and tomatoes too.

10. The ocean or space, and why?: Well, as gorgeous as I find the ocean to be, and as long as I have lived near the ocean, I am not an ocean person. I think that the extent and the depth of what’s in the ocean is incredible and completely fascinating, and there is so much in the ocean that we have still yet to learn about, but I find outer space to be completely fascinating. Let me just say that the extent of my knowledge on either subject is very low, but I think find space to be so interesting. There’s this whole universe out there that we have yet to discover, and there’s so much out there (like planets, life, stars, galaxies, ect) that we still don’t know about and i think that’s really awesome. I also can’t swim too well and I hate seaweed, so for that reason, I’m not big on the ocean. but I’d also never want to go to space??? so idk there are things about each I love and find to be fascinating, but there are also aspects of each that I don’t like?? I hope this made sense, hahah.

11. How are you?: (in depth response required “I’m fine” is not allowed) I’m doing pretty well! I’ve got a lot of shit on my mind lately, and I’m trying to figure a lot of my life out still, but slowly but surely, things are working out in my favor, which makes me quite happy. I definitely have my moments where I and definitely not in a great headspace, where I kinda just want to keep to myself and be alone, but currently, I’ve been pretty content. My anxiety was really bad maybe 2 weeks ago, but since then, i haven’t been too anxious or anything. Overall, I’m good right now. :)

[kitsune-ryu-neko]

Voltron Season 5 Thoughts

Look I just wanna know what’s going on on Earth, ok? Just a glimpse. SOMETHING!!! 

Episode 1: The Prisoner - Oh boy is this about REAL Shiro?  - I’m so suspicious of Shiro now since he came back because i highly doubt that is real Shiro. So for right now I’m calling him Not Shiro. Also, Lance asking if it was a trap just further solidifies to me that Lance is gonna step up this season or call Not Shiro out or find out he isn’t Shiro. - Lance then again says “Oh no, we’re trapped!” < . < - Things are also going suspiciously well and everyone knows it...hmm.. and who is their informant? - Allura follow that gut instinct! - Oh shit...I forgot they had Lotor....and he is their informant. well that makes sense. - Don’t trust Lotor. But damn is he not good at manipulation. - Thank you, Allura! At least you are catching on to this quickly.  - The only person I can think of that might be a special inmate would be either real Shiro, who I doubt would be revealed so easily and so early on, and Sam Holt. And now that the scene changes to Matt and Pidge, that’s the only person I can think of who it could be. - WOW I’m actually RIGHT?!?! - hmm...the cloaking device might not work because the barrier might have been made by Sam Holt.  - And Matt’s jetpack didn’t work. .....why only him though? - the guards have already been taken out. They probably aren’t gonna get their dad this episode. - My guess is either he was taken away, dead, or works for the galra of his own free will.  - Matt isn’t even dejected...he just looks angry or pissed - Ok so he is alive somewhere.... < . < idk Matt looks like he is hiding something - Oh they have Sam Holt probably - Oh hey they do! Dang....Sam Holt....you look a lot different XD Damn that was a good episode and WOW that cliffhanger at the end...

Episode 2: Blood Duel - I understand where Pidge is coming from but if you rush into things it can end badly for you. So I hope team Voltron thought this plan through... - What is Haggar even doing? These are flashbacks....probably before all this darkness consumed her. We get to see baby Lotor! - Wait.......is she just now.....idk...remembering?...that Lotor is her son? - What if Sam is a clone? That would be...disturbing....but it would introduce everyone to the clone idea. - After that look Lotor gave Sam...i definitely don’t trust this moment - ok so HOLOGRAM - Haggar....doesn’t want to retrieve Lotor.... Ok, so either she doesn’t trust Lotor, or she knows something about Lotor that Zarkon does not. OR Zarkon isn’t even around (just his body) and it’s all Lotor’s plan. - Operation Kuron Stage 4, huh? - So team Voltron did have a plan - ZARKON VS. LOTOR!!! LET’S GO!!!! - So Lotor has the black paladin bayard....did we know that already? - So they got Sam back! Yay!!! - Dead.  I find it hilarious that the episode ends painting Lotor in this savior light.  Also, Lotor calls Haggar witch. Haggar is wary of Lotor at all times. Zarkon was raised from the dead at least twice now? .....I know I’m missing a piece here. 

Episode 3: Postmortem - Well that title isn’t the least bit foreboding. - Ahhh there is that Not Shiro personality again. I swear he seems so detached from everyone and everything. - Oh he gave him the bayard....how did (Not) Shiro know it would even work for Lotor? I guess this is the episode everyone starts growing suspicious af against (Not) Shiro. - Damn he totally snapped at Lance. Even real Shiro didn’t do that.  - ....Haggar is controlling Not Shiro. Does Lotor know this? I think he knows this. I’m like 95% sure he does. So wtf is happening with this family? - There is a whole lot of switching sides in this series... - LANCE GOT A SWORD THAT’S SO COOL!!! - HOLT FAMILY IS BACK TOGETHER!!! - Wow they FINALLY mention the mom after FIVE seasons! - So they are gonna send their dad home and they’ll stay with Voltron. At least their mom will actually have someone with her again since her whole family LEFT - Interesting how Lance was the one to do the countdown, plus they are focusing on his perspective. Also....is Not Shiro not there? < . <  - IT DOESN’T EVEN SHOW HIS FACE - OH BOY. WAS THAT ACTUALLY SHIRO??? I think it was....he was trying to tell Lance something. Probably to warn him. - Damn, Lance - YES FINALLY SOMETHING ABOUT EARTH!!!! Galaxy Garrison covered some shit up and have some explaining to do - So Not Shiro doesn’t remember that hmm?? - Hey it’s the guy that looks like a giant mouse!

Episode 4: Kral Zera - Idk what that title means...maybe a name of someone or a place - I guess we are gonna get to see Keith finally - oh a ceremony - Lotor is literally giving them the biggest fucking hint right now  - honestly....watch KEITH be the person to light the Kral Zera. He’s in this episode and this is the episode to initiate someone else to be galra ruler. Keith is part Galra. Lotor is part Galra.  - and Haggar refers to herself as ...if she was talking about someone else. So I’m gonna take a guess and say no one knows Haggar is Lotor’s mother... - Also Keith wtf are you doing? You are gonna get yourself killed - Keith just saved Lotor... - this is the moment where Lotor probably betrays you guys lol Voltron for scale

Episode 5: Bloodlines - oh boy...that title - I love this goodbye?! Everyone is starting to have hope! And we might get to see Earth again...someday. - Lance has brothers named Marco and Luis. and a sister named Veronica. and a grandma. that’s at least 4 people we didn’t know about.  - gotta love Coran XD - WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND IS THAT YOU GUYS CAN LITERALLY GO HOME AND VISIT AND THEN GO BACK. i mean the temptation to stay would be great but COME ON!!! - KROLIA LEGIT LOOKS LIKE A FEMALE KEITH - LIKE HOLY FUCK - IS THAT HIS MOM? It has to be. I can’t see any other reason why they would look so similar. - of course he wants to sync their stuff with galra’s.....of frigging course he does - Pidge is gonna reprogram this robot......i think she is also gonna make sure to program it to be a spy for her. because she doesn’t trust people. and Lotor needs to be under surveillance. Watch this reprogramming thing come back. - *spins and twirls* TEAM PUNK! XD - ok so did ANYONE know that Haggar is Lotor’s mom? She barely knew! Lotor seems like he doesn’t know....sheesh people - SO ALLURA IS CATCHING THE FUCK ON! But.............Lotor seems to know but be in denial? maybe??????? ......although he acts like he just now realized that could be true...ugh - he totally didn’t plant that - welp....that wasn’t a surprise - there he goes!!! goodbye robot. i thought you would be helpful...

Episode 6: White Lion - OH BOY THAT TITLE - Whoa! Take that theoretical physics! - I swear to god if this pulls a Lion King and is all like “remember who you are”.... - those markings are “the mark of the chosen”??? (I might have slightly for a split second thought Lotor was blushing because his markings are pink)  - different kinds of alteans...interesting. I guess when the markings glow that also means something about The Mark of the Chosen.  - god that place is beautiful - poor Not Shiro doesn’t understand that he’s not Shiro... - lotor and allura are most likely going to solve this problem in very different ways - yep. lotor just embraced that violent galra mindset - Aaaannndd allura was willing to sacrifice her own life

And that’s about it! What a great season! I kinda wish we just got seasons all in one go again but in about another half a year, Voltron will be back!....probably. Lotor is doing great as an ally. I still don’t trust him. at all. But he has been proven useful for us. We got Sam Holt back and he took their messages and what he has learned with him to Earth. SO I WANNA SEE EARTH IN SEASON 6!!!! (Although I’ll take mentioning it at least a little bit for this season). This was very much another transition season. It was great and started to set up a lot of things for next season, and no doubt that season 6 will be amazing. Not Shiro feels conflicted and rightfully so. i feel sorry for him... IS IT JUST ME OR IS THIS SHOW REALLY TRYING TO PUSH THE ALLURA AND LOTOR SHIP? I don’t trust that one bit either. Lance also got a really good hint that Not Shiro is well...not Shiro...and it was from Not Shiro’s own mouth. I can’t wait to get Shiro back. We got to see Keith a bit, and we met his mother. So lot’s of things are coming together. All in all, loved it and am hyped for season 6!